Psalm 91

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High

Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;

My God, in Him I will trust.”

Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler

And from the perilous pestilence.

He shall cover you with His feathers,

And under His wings you shall take refuge;

His truth shall be your shield and buckler.

You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,

Nor of the arrow that flies by day,

Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,

Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.

A thousand may fall at your side,

And ten thousand at your right hand;

But it shall not come near you.

Only with your eyes shall you look,

And see the reward of the wicked.

Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge,

Even the Most High, your dwelling place,

No evil shall befall you,

Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;

For He shall give His angels charge over you,

To keep you in all your ways.

In their hands they shall bear you up,

Lest you dash your foot against a stone.

You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,

The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.

“Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;

I will set him on high, because he has known My name.

He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble;

I will deliver him and honor him.

With long life I will satisfy him,

And show him My salvation.”

How do you live in a place of hope, when everything seems to fail?  How do you live in a place of faith instead of fear when life as you know it seems to be falling apart?  Psalm 91 shows us who our God really is.  He is a God who never sleeps. He is always there ready to fight for us.  Nothing ever takes Him by surprise, even if it takes us by surprise.  

Psalm 91 gives me a sense of peace in midst of trials.  We have protection in God, through all the chaos.   He will protect me...and He is going to protect you.   Psalm 91 reminds me that I am to dwell in the secret place of the Almighty God.    Dwell is a verb that means to live in or at a specified place.  Not a place I visit when I feel down or scared or I’m feeling out of control.  It means to live there, get comfortable there, kick your shoes off.  I live at my house…I visit other places.  I visit work, I visit my kids school, I visit the doctor, but I live at my house.  It’s the place I am the most comfortable, most vulnerable.  It has the people I am closest to.  The people closest to me get to see all the pieces of me, the good, the bad and the ugly; because that is home.   It is a conscious choice we have to make; to spend quality time. 

As everything in our world has changed overnight, I see so much good.  Sure that is bad and there is no doubt that our world is going through a worldwide traumatic event, but I see God in it.  I see people slowing down and reprioritizing their lives.  I see people looking to God for their hope.  I see families spending time together, using technology to build community instead of as a means for escape.  People are remembering that dwelling with God doesn't mean sitting and reading your bible 24/7.  It means being in communion with Him.  Listening to worship music, fellowshipping with your immediate family, reading your Bible to your kids, remembering all the blessing that God has given you and being a good steward of them.  

Today as I felt trapped in my house, while I mopped my kitchen floor from the multiple splits from the toddler, and the messes from the big kids, I put on some worship music and talked to God, remembering that I need to dwell in Him.  As I mopped and listened, I looked up and peaked out of the garage door to find my little toddler laying on the garage floor (the germaphobe in me would usually freak out) with his little leappad learning his numbers.  He was sitting close to his daddy, who was cleaning out the garage (a chore we have put off for far too long).  My overly social, complainer about being in quarantine, toddler was at peace as he laid there because he was dwelling with his daddy just by being in the garage with him.  God showed me that is what I need to be doing.  We don't have to be super spiritual, it's as simple of being close to our Heavenly Father and keeping the perspective that because we dwell in Him, He will overcome the world!  He will give us peace as we dwell in His presence.

Phillippians 4:6-7, tell us, “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”  And 1 Peter 5:7, says to, “Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.”

Dwell in the secret place of the Most High; He cares for you!  As bad and as hard as being in quarantine has been, there is so much good that is coming out of it.  It's ok to grieve the loss of our old "Normal," but don't dwell there.  Dwell in Him and I hope that when this chapter of our lives is over that we take all the good and the things we learned from this to create a new and improved normal.  Don't forget what God taught you in the dark, when you get back into the light.  

We are stronger than this Covid-19 and the quarantine that is coming along with it.  It is beautiful to see neighbors helping one another, and people writing letters, and people taking their God given gifts and sharing them with others over the internet to help one another.  Look around, people are offering free online workout routines, art lessons, youth groups meeting via youtube and Zoom, teachers driving through neighborhoods with mega phones telling students how they miss them and encouraging them, story readings, the number of online churches is mind blowing! Our world is finding a way to still connect and have community even when we can't meet in person.  With God we are stronger than we ever thought possible!

What is your hope in?  Right now, today, What is your hope in?  We have hope!  Switch your perspective form one of fear and disappointment to one of opportunity and challenge.  Take this time and make it meaningful for Christ!   

God promises us to never leave nor forsake us.  God's voice closes the Psalm reminding us that because we love him, He will deliver us, He knows us, He will answer us, He is with us in the midst of trouble, and will deliver us.  

We have hope!  This doesn't have to be a list of things we have lost and are grieving.  Choose today to dwell in His presence and show the world the hope we have in Him.  

He Answers Prayers

The Summer always flies by. It is, by far, my favorite time of year. Not because I like the season (not my favorite season at all), but because summer is the time I get to do the things I love the most.  I get to be home with my kids, loving on them, playing games with them, doing summer things.  I get to be a wife who isn't distracted by work, who can support her husband in ministry more.  I get to sew and craft and clean and organize.  I love summer!!  But this summer, well this summer was extra special!  We got to meet our little Isaac.  After a long and crazy pregnancy, he has arrived.

Isaac Glen arrived on May 20th.  He weighed 8 pounds and was 20 inches long.  He is a happy baby and we have enjoyed getting to spend our summer with him getting to know who he is.

So here is Isaac. 

 He such a wonderful little addition to our family.  He is happy and cuddly and loves his mommy! 

 So many prayers were answered the day we gave birth to him.  I had feared that I would struggle to feel the extreme joy of giving birth to Isaac and instead be overwhelmed with sadness that his twin wasn't here with him. 

 The moment I looked up and saw the doctor holding him for me to see, I was overcome with such joy and a peace that I know came from God.  I shed a couple tears but really they were tears of joy, me and Isaac made it, we had a crazy weird road together but he was here and in my arms.  My arms were full.

 I felt joy that I got to have one of my babies to hold when so many women don't get to hold even one of theirs. The miracle of birth is truly that, a miracle!

 He had every little piece...ten fingers...ten toes...he was Fearfully and Wonderfully made.

 The feeling that someone was missing from our family will never go away for me, I will always miss Jonah.  But the gift of Isaac has given our family peace.  The kids still pray for him and ask about him but the tears are gone.  They have joy for Jonah and were he is, knowing one day they will see him.

 God answered another prayer for me that day.  I had prayed, since the day Jonah passed, that when it came time to give birth that I would be able to see Jonah.  My doctor told me the likelihood was small.  But God heard my cry, God gave me some closure that day.  Jonah wasn't just some piece of tissue, or a set of black wave lines on a sonogram photo, he was a person, he was small, but there was no denying he was a baby. 

 The day of Isaac's birth will always be remembered (for me anyway) as an emotional one, but a good one, one were God showed me that he does answer prayer, that He does love me, that He loves my husband and children and that in the midst of our pain, HE can give us unspeakable joy and a peace that surpasses all understanding. 

Welcome to our family Isaac, welcome to the world.  I can't wait to see the journey your life will take and the plans God has for you! You are loved more than you know!

My Hearts Prayer

Words and feelings get trapped inside of my head.  I want them out, but I know God has me sitting still in this place, in His presence, processing these feelings with me.  He wants to heal my hurt, heal my heart, and although I want God to do that, I find myself struggling to let Him.  Why do I hold onto it?  I don't like it but I find myself stuffing all these feelings about my hurt away.  If I can stuff it and pretend it away, and busy my hands and mind with other things, then I don't have to feel...but eventually the busy goes away and gets taken care of and then I am left in the quiet again.  It is then I realize all those feelings are still there, just below the surface.

Healing hurts, it means I have to admit that everything that happened is real, that one of my sons died before I had the chance to see him or touch him.  That my Isaac will be born a singleton, never having met his twin brother on this side of the womb.  That Chris and I will not get to watch Jonah grow into a man of God.  That Kinlee won't have a 3rd brother to mess with (we all know she is really in charge!).  That Ethan won't be able to share his love of God and golf with Jonah. 

It hurts to be vulnerable and allow the God of the universe to tear away the bandages that have held my heart together, and let Him touch and heal the wounds that lay there.  I need to be open and vulnerable to others when they ask how I am and how I feel about giving birth so soon, instead of hiding my true feelings.  If I truly trust that my God is the God of the universe and He is in control, I need to walk in faith that He knows the why of Jonah not being here and I need to rest in that and have faith that I will be ok, that we all will be okay. 

Lord heal my heart, give me courage and strength to be vulnerable; be with us all as we prepare to welcome our precious Isaac into this world!  Prepare my heart to feel both the intense joy of having Isaac and also the grief of Jonah's absence.  Give us your peace Lord.  
~Amen

My Spunky Pumpkin

My Beautiful Kinlee,

I can't believe you are four.  It seems like just yesterday when you joined our little family.  From the beginning you had a mind of your own and marched to the beat of your own drummer.  The doctors were determined that day to induced me because of complications, but you had your own plan.  Once up to the delivery floor you decided you were ready to come and they weren't going to make you come.  I ended up not having to be induce, you made your own way and I should have known then that you would have that same strong personality that I so admire in your brother. 

You have brought so much joy to me and daddy's life and your older brother adores you, even though you like to pick on him in your quiet subtle ways.  You and Ethan are so close and I love to watch you both play together and listen to your "serious" conversations.  From asking if dad is a Christian to telling Ethan that you had to get me a toy for mother's day since I don't have any.  :)  I love listening to your reasoning and how your little brain processes. 

You are such a jokester and are always "pretending."  You have an amazing zest for life that inspires me.  You remind me to laugh and find the joy in moments that are hard.  You experience emotions so intensely and really do love that about you.  You remind me to slow down, because you are by far the slowest eater I have ever met...unless it is a sweet or perhaps a donut (which you can down in no time flat). You come by the sweet tooth honestly and genetically.  Sorry about that one.  :)

I love your passion and care for others.  How everyday you pray and thank Jesus for your brothers and for Jonah and ask Jesus to watch over him in Heaven.  The pain you feel when others are hurt or have to go to the hospital.  That care will growing into something beautiful in your future. 

I can't wait to see what year 4 holds for you.  It's a big year in your life...you are going from being a little sister to a big sister, and your last year in preschool.  I can't wait to see you step into these new roles and blossom!

You have amazing strength my precious girl, I pray you never lose your strength or the joy or the silliness of childhood!  I can't not wait to see what you will do with your life.  God has truly blessed me by letting me be your mommy!  Happy birthday my girl!  I love you to the moon and back!

Love, 
Mommy

My thoughts on Ryan White and the CA SB 277

Today is Ryan White Day.  Not many people will know that name, but I do.  Most people who recognize the name will associate his name with HIV/AIDS.  He was the little boy in the 80's who contracted HIV.  He became the face of HIV/AIDS activism and he was just a boy.  He died when he was 18, but not before being expelled from school because of his disease and fighting to get back into school and eventually having to move school districts were he could go.  Him and his family endured much personal attack by the ignorance of people at that time.  People were scared and didn't understand what HIV/AIDS was.  

What isn't as commonly known is that Ryan had hemophilia.  He contracted HIV, from the tainted blood supply in the 80's.  The blood supply back then was tainted with both hepatitis and HIV/AIDS.  The majority of the hemophilia population contracted one of these nasty and deadly diseases while taking medication that was supposed to stop their bleeding due to their hemophilia and hopefully prolong their life.  Instead, for so many, it was their end.  Ryan and his mother fought hard to educate people.  He died at the age of 18, his mom is still involved in activism. 

As I sit here today and I watch the battle go back and forth about between pro vaccinators and the anti-vaccinators, I am saddened.  So much hate is being spewed on either side and really the bottom line is that each parent should be able to make that decision for their family without government input.  I know I have friends who are strong on both sides of that line, and I know some will disagree with me, but after seeing and having intimate knowledge of how HIV/AIDS was passed through the blood supply and how it was common knowledge by the CDC, and the WHO and medications were continued to be given that contained tainted blood to innocent people, I can not stand by and support government enforced vaccinations.  We need education, we need transparency from our pharmaceutical companies, from our government, we need to have the freedom to choose what medications we put in our body, if any, we need to have an understand and respect for one another and not attack each other for the decisions we make for our family.  My advice to new parents is to do what is best for their family, their whole family.  Every one wants to give their opinion and sometimes you need to pray and make the decision you feel is best considering all the factors that influence your family. 

On Ryan White Day, I look at my own son with hemophilia and I cannot imagine the pain Ryan's mother must have felt when he was diagnosed with HIV and then passed away years later.  She did what she thought was best, what the doctors told her was best, what the pharmaceutical companies said was best, all while the knowledge that the blood supply was tainted was being kept from the public.  I don't mean to scare anyone or be one of those paranoid people but I do want to say that as a parent I know my children better than the government.  I owe it to my children to educate myself about their medications and make a well informed decision that meets their needs. It really doesn't matter what side of the vaccine debate I stand on, the real issue we don't need big government making these decisions for us. 

Wise Beyond His 7 Years

Ethan,

I can't believe you are seven today.  It seems like just yesterday we were watching the superbowl and had you arrive just as the Giants won the game.  You were so little, early, full of silly faces and an inquisitive spirit.  We have been through a lot of the seven years of your life and you have taken everything in stride.  I think back to the parents you were born to and I don't even know who they are anymore.  That's a good thing, they were workaholics who only cared about their careers.  ;)  They grew up a lot, you taught them a lot and we are forever grateful for the lessons you have taught us. 

You have taught me more about who Jesus is, His sacrificial love and focus on others instead of Himself.  You have taught me to rely on Him and not on myself or my own strength.  You have also asked me some of the toughest theological questions that even my college theology professors never brought up.  You amazing everyday!! 

You have so much strength, naming you Ethan (literally means strong) was the most fitting thing we could have done.  You have proven time and time again that you are strong and you can handle the things thrown at you in life. 

You have the most sensitive heart of anyone I have ever known.  You are so quick to give a hug or encouragement when others are down, seem to be able to sense when others are upset or down, even when the adults around you can't see it.  I love how much you love your siblings, and how mush you talk about your brother Jonah and wonder what he looks like.  I love you have faith that one day you will have a perfected body and will get to meet your brother. 

I wonder what God has planned for you in the future.  I pray everyday for you that you remain strong and true to who He made you to be.  You are going to do amazing things kid!  Keep asking questions, keep encouraging others, keep that energetic spirit and never let anyone crush who you are!

Love,
     Your Mommy

A father's heart

Dear Jonah,

Today is a hard day, it’s been the toughest day I’ve ever experienced, it’s a day I wish I never had to face. Today I had to say goodbye to you, my son, for now. Although you only had a short time here in your mother’s womb, there’s still so much I know about you and so much to celebrate about your life.
Even though I never got to see you, I know you are beautiful, because you are created by God, and I can’t wait for the day when I will see your face.
Even though I never heard your voice, I will know it when I do, and we will have long conversations together.
Even Though I never held you, I know there will be a day that we will enjoy a long embrace.
Even though you aren’t with us now, you will forever be part of our family.
Jonah, I want you to know that you are greatly loved. Your mother and I love you so much, I can’t even express it. Your brother and sister love you too, they have been praying for you every night. Your brother’s favorite Bible story has always been Jonah, and we knew that was your name even before you were here. There are so many other family and friends who love you also that they’re too numerous to list. I also want you to know that your twin brother is doing well, and we promise to take good care of him until we are all united again.
My heart aches that I can’t be with you right now, and I’m angry that death took you sooner than I expected. But I’m comforted by our Lord, and I have the Hope of Glory because of our savior Jesus Christ, who conquered death! Death is no longer the end for us, and it overwhelms me with joy to know that you are experiencing His victory and glory right now—which we will one day enjoy together.

Jonah, I love you so much and I can’t wait to be with you again.
- Love Dad.

“When my soul fainted within me,
I remembered the Lord;
And my prayer went up to You,
Into Your holy temple.”
- Jonah 2:7