He Answers Prayers

The Summer always flies by. It is, by far, my favorite time of year. Not because I like the season (not my favorite season at all), but because summer is the time I get to do the things I love the most.  I get to be home with my kids, loving on them, playing games with them, doing summer things.  I get to be a wife who isn't distracted by work, who can support her husband in ministry more.  I get to sew and craft and clean and organize.  I love summer!!  But this summer, well this summer was extra special!  We got to meet our little Isaac.  After a long and crazy pregnancy, he has arrived.

Isaac Glen arrived on May 20th.  He weighed 8 pounds and was 20 inches long.  He is a happy baby and we have enjoyed getting to spend our summer with him getting to know who he is.

So here is Isaac. 

 He such a wonderful little addition to our family.  He is happy and cuddly and loves his mommy! 

 So many prayers were answered the day we gave birth to him.  I had feared that I would struggle to feel the extreme joy of giving birth to Isaac and instead be overwhelmed with sadness that his twin wasn't here with him. 

 The moment I looked up and saw the doctor holding him for me to see, I was overcome with such joy and a peace that I know came from God.  I shed a couple tears but really they were tears of joy, me and Isaac made it, we had a crazy weird road together but he was here and in my arms.  My arms were full.

 I felt joy that I got to have one of my babies to hold when so many women don't get to hold even one of theirs. The miracle of birth is truly that, a miracle!

 He had every little piece...ten fingers...ten toes...he was Fearfully and Wonderfully made.

 The feeling that someone was missing from our family will never go away for me, I will always miss Jonah.  But the gift of Isaac has given our family peace.  The kids still pray for him and ask about him but the tears are gone.  They have joy for Jonah and were he is, knowing one day they will see him.

 God answered another prayer for me that day.  I had prayed, since the day Jonah passed, that when it came time to give birth that I would be able to see Jonah.  My doctor told me the likelihood was small.  But God heard my cry, God gave me some closure that day.  Jonah wasn't just some piece of tissue, or a set of black wave lines on a sonogram photo, he was a person, he was small, but there was no denying he was a baby. 

 The day of Isaac's birth will always be remembered (for me anyway) as an emotional one, but a good one, one were God showed me that he does answer prayer, that He does love me, that He loves my husband and children and that in the midst of our pain, HE can give us unspeakable joy and a peace that surpasses all understanding. 

Welcome to our family Isaac, welcome to the world.  I can't wait to see the journey your life will take and the plans God has for you! You are loved more than you know!

My Hearts Prayer

Words and feelings get trapped inside of my head.  I want them out, but I know God has me sitting still in this place, in His presence, processing these feelings with me.  He wants to heal my hurt, heal my heart, and although I want God to do that, I find myself struggling to let Him.  Why do I hold onto it?  I don't like it but I find myself stuffing all these feelings about my hurt away.  If I can stuff it and pretend it away, and busy my hands and mind with other things, then I don't have to feel...but eventually the busy goes away and gets taken care of and then I am left in the quiet again.  It is then I realize all those feelings are still there, just below the surface.

Healing hurts, it means I have to admit that everything that happened is real, that one of my sons died before I had the chance to see him or touch him.  That my Isaac will be born a singleton, never having met his twin brother on this side of the womb.  That Chris and I will not get to watch Jonah grow into a man of God.  That Kinlee won't have a 3rd brother to mess with (we all know she is really in charge!).  That Ethan won't be able to share his love of God and golf with Jonah. 

It hurts to be vulnerable and allow the God of the universe to tear away the bandages that have held my heart together, and let Him touch and heal the wounds that lay there.  I need to be open and vulnerable to others when they ask how I am and how I feel about giving birth so soon, instead of hiding my true feelings.  If I truly trust that my God is the God of the universe and He is in control, I need to walk in faith that He knows the why of Jonah not being here and I need to rest in that and have faith that I will be ok, that we all will be okay. 

Lord heal my heart, give me courage and strength to be vulnerable; be with us all as we prepare to welcome our precious Isaac into this world!  Prepare my heart to feel both the intense joy of having Isaac and also the grief of Jonah's absence.  Give us your peace Lord.  
~Amen

Wise Beyond His 7 Years

Ethan,

I can't believe you are seven today.  It seems like just yesterday we were watching the superbowl and had you arrive just as the Giants won the game.  You were so little, early, full of silly faces and an inquisitive spirit.  We have been through a lot of the seven years of your life and you have taken everything in stride.  I think back to the parents you were born to and I don't even know who they are anymore.  That's a good thing, they were workaholics who only cared about their careers.  ;)  They grew up a lot, you taught them a lot and we are forever grateful for the lessons you have taught us. 

You have taught me more about who Jesus is, His sacrificial love and focus on others instead of Himself.  You have taught me to rely on Him and not on myself or my own strength.  You have also asked me some of the toughest theological questions that even my college theology professors never brought up.  You amazing everyday!! 

You have so much strength, naming you Ethan (literally means strong) was the most fitting thing we could have done.  You have proven time and time again that you are strong and you can handle the things thrown at you in life. 

You have the most sensitive heart of anyone I have ever known.  You are so quick to give a hug or encouragement when others are down, seem to be able to sense when others are upset or down, even when the adults around you can't see it.  I love how much you love your siblings, and how mush you talk about your brother Jonah and wonder what he looks like.  I love you have faith that one day you will have a perfected body and will get to meet your brother. 

I wonder what God has planned for you in the future.  I pray everyday for you that you remain strong and true to who He made you to be.  You are going to do amazing things kid!  Keep asking questions, keep encouraging others, keep that energetic spirit and never let anyone crush who you are!

Love,
     Your Mommy

A father's heart

Dear Jonah,

Today is a hard day, it’s been the toughest day I’ve ever experienced, it’s a day I wish I never had to face. Today I had to say goodbye to you, my son, for now. Although you only had a short time here in your mother’s womb, there’s still so much I know about you and so much to celebrate about your life.
Even though I never got to see you, I know you are beautiful, because you are created by God, and I can’t wait for the day when I will see your face.
Even though I never heard your voice, I will know it when I do, and we will have long conversations together.
Even Though I never held you, I know there will be a day that we will enjoy a long embrace.
Even though you aren’t with us now, you will forever be part of our family.
Jonah, I want you to know that you are greatly loved. Your mother and I love you so much, I can’t even express it. Your brother and sister love you too, they have been praying for you every night. Your brother’s favorite Bible story has always been Jonah, and we knew that was your name even before you were here. There are so many other family and friends who love you also that they’re too numerous to list. I also want you to know that your twin brother is doing well, and we promise to take good care of him until we are all united again.
My heart aches that I can’t be with you right now, and I’m angry that death took you sooner than I expected. But I’m comforted by our Lord, and I have the Hope of Glory because of our savior Jesus Christ, who conquered death! Death is no longer the end for us, and it overwhelms me with joy to know that you are experiencing His victory and glory right now—which we will one day enjoy together.

Jonah, I love you so much and I can’t wait to be with you again.
- Love Dad.

“When my soul fainted within me,
I remembered the Lord;
And my prayer went up to You,
Into Your holy temple.”
- Jonah 2:7

A Parent's Love

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As I sat at the red light waiting for it to turn green, he asked me why he was going with me to his sister’s doctors appointment. I reminded him that he had a hurt arm and that we had to go to his doctor too. He immediately knew what that meant and as I turned around to look him straight in the eyes he had tears in his eyes and told me he didn't want to go to get pokie's (shots). My eyes started to tear up as I told him how sorry I was, but that this was what was best for him. A single tear ran down my cheek and I told him it would be okay that he would get his shot of medicine and then his arm would be better and we go about our day as normal.

This wasn't the first time he needed to get meds, no there have been many other times before. This wasn't the first time I teared up about having to have my son get shots to treat the hemophilia, no there were many other times before. But this was the first time I cried in front of him. I am always careful not to get emotional about his "ouchies." I don't want him to freak out; I have always waited until after the treatment is over and he has gone to bed to cry. He is looking to me, to see my reaction. At his age, my reaction will dictate how he will react. He is looking to me to keep him safe. He is looking to me for love and to make him feel secure in every situation that we face. It is my job.

As I went about the rest of the day, I couldn't help but think about God and how hard it must be for Him to love us so much that He has to put us through the refiners fire to make us whole and pure in Him. That pure perfect love, when you don't just stand there watching someone do something you know is not good for them, but instead you gently tell them what they need to hear. Maybe they need to know how their actions will impact their life, or how their actions impact others life's. All to often I think we are too quick to nod our head and smile, instead of offering instruction and guidance, true love.

Our son trusts his daddy and I to protect him and take care of him. Unfortunately it sometimes mean we have to restrict him, or we have to take him to get pokies because his body needs the medicine. He doesn't like it, it makes him sad. But maybe he occasionally needs to see that mommy and daddy are just as sad about his ouchies as he is. I trust God has the best for me and sometimes it is good to be reminded that He sheds tears for me.