Words and feelings get trapped inside of my head. I want them out, but I know God has me sitting still in this place, in His presence, processing these feelings with me. He wants to heal my hurt, heal my heart, and although I want God to do that, I find myself struggling to let Him. Why do I hold onto it? I don't like it but I find myself stuffing all these feelings about my hurt away. If I can stuff it and pretend it away, and busy my hands and mind with other things, then I don't have to feel...but eventually the busy goes away and gets taken care of and then I am left in the quiet again. It is then I realize all those feelings are still there, just below the surface.
Healing hurts, it means I have to admit that everything that happened is real, that one of my sons died before I had the chance to see him or touch him. That my Isaac will be born a singleton, never having met his twin brother on this side of the womb. That Chris and I will not get to watch Jonah grow into a man of God. That Kinlee won't have a 3rd brother to mess with (we all know she is really in charge!). That Ethan won't be able to share his love of God and golf with Jonah.
It hurts to be vulnerable and allow the God of the universe to tear away the bandages that have held my heart together, and let Him touch and heal the wounds that lay there. I need to be open and vulnerable to others when they ask how I am and how I feel about giving birth so soon, instead of hiding my true feelings. If I truly trust that my God is the God of the universe and He is in control, I need to walk in faith that He knows the why of Jonah not being here and I need to rest in that and have faith that I will be ok, that we all will be okay.
Lord heal my heart, give me courage and strength to be vulnerable; be with us all as we prepare to welcome our precious Isaac into this world! Prepare my heart to feel both the intense joy of having Isaac and also the grief of Jonah's absence. Give us your peace Lord.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
My Beautiful Kinlee,
I can't believe you are four. It seems like just yesterday when you joined our little family. From the beginning you had a mind of your own and marched to the beat of your own drummer. The doctors were determined that day to induced me because of complications, but you had your own plan. Once up to the delivery floor you decided you were ready to come and they weren't going to make you come. I ended up not having to be induce, you made your own way and I should have known then that you would have that same strong personality that I so admire in your brother.
You have brought so much joy to me and daddy's life and your older brother adores you, even though you like to pick on him in your quiet subtle ways. You and Ethan are so close and I love to watch you both play together and listen to your "serious" conversations. From asking if dad is a Christian to telling Ethan that you had to get me a toy for mother's day since I don't have any. :) I love listening to your reasoning and how your little brain processes.
You are such a jokester and are always "pretending." You have an amazing zest for life that inspires me. You remind me to laugh and find the joy in moments that are hard. You experience emotions so intensely and really do love that about you. You remind me to slow down, because you are by far the slowest eater I have ever met...unless it is a sweet or perhaps a donut (which you can down in no time flat). You come by the sweet tooth honestly and genetically. Sorry about that one. :)
I love your passion and care for others. How everyday you pray and thank Jesus for your brothers and for Jonah and ask Jesus to watch over him in Heaven. The pain you feel when others are hurt or have to go to the hospital. That care will growing into something beautiful in your future.
I can't wait to see what year 4 holds for you. It's a big year in your life...you are going from being a little sister to a big sister, and your last year in preschool. I can't wait to see you step into these new roles and blossom!
You have amazing strength my precious girl, I pray you never lose your strength or the joy or the silliness of childhood! I can't not wait to see what you will do with your life. God has truly blessed me by letting me be your mommy! Happy birthday my girl! I love you to the moon and back!