Wise Beyond His 7 Years

Ethan,

I can't believe you are seven today.  It seems like just yesterday we were watching the superbowl and had you arrive just as the Giants won the game.  You were so little, early, full of silly faces and an inquisitive spirit.  We have been through a lot of the seven years of your life and you have taken everything in stride.  I think back to the parents you were born to and I don't even know who they are anymore.  That's a good thing, they were workaholics who only cared about their careers.  ;)  They grew up a lot, you taught them a lot and we are forever grateful for the lessons you have taught us. 

You have taught me more about who Jesus is, His sacrificial love and focus on others instead of Himself.  You have taught me to rely on Him and not on myself or my own strength.  You have also asked me some of the toughest theological questions that even my college theology professors never brought up.  You amazing everyday!! 

You have so much strength, naming you Ethan (literally means strong) was the most fitting thing we could have done.  You have proven time and time again that you are strong and you can handle the things thrown at you in life. 

You have the most sensitive heart of anyone I have ever known.  You are so quick to give a hug or encouragement when others are down, seem to be able to sense when others are upset or down, even when the adults around you can't see it.  I love how much you love your siblings, and how mush you talk about your brother Jonah and wonder what he looks like.  I love you have faith that one day you will have a perfected body and will get to meet your brother. 

I wonder what God has planned for you in the future.  I pray everyday for you that you remain strong and true to who He made you to be.  You are going to do amazing things kid!  Keep asking questions, keep encouraging others, keep that energetic spirit and never let anyone crush who you are!

Love,
     Your Mommy

A father's heart

Dear Jonah,

Today is a hard day, it’s been the toughest day I’ve ever experienced, it’s a day I wish I never had to face. Today I had to say goodbye to you, my son, for now. Although you only had a short time here in your mother’s womb, there’s still so much I know about you and so much to celebrate about your life.
Even though I never got to see you, I know you are beautiful, because you are created by God, and I can’t wait for the day when I will see your face.
Even though I never heard your voice, I will know it when I do, and we will have long conversations together.
Even Though I never held you, I know there will be a day that we will enjoy a long embrace.
Even though you aren’t with us now, you will forever be part of our family.
Jonah, I want you to know that you are greatly loved. Your mother and I love you so much, I can’t even express it. Your brother and sister love you too, they have been praying for you every night. Your brother’s favorite Bible story has always been Jonah, and we knew that was your name even before you were here. There are so many other family and friends who love you also that they’re too numerous to list. I also want you to know that your twin brother is doing well, and we promise to take good care of him until we are all united again.
My heart aches that I can’t be with you right now, and I’m angry that death took you sooner than I expected. But I’m comforted by our Lord, and I have the Hope of Glory because of our savior Jesus Christ, who conquered death! Death is no longer the end for us, and it overwhelms me with joy to know that you are experiencing His victory and glory right now—which we will one day enjoy together.

Jonah, I love you so much and I can’t wait to be with you again.
- Love Dad.

“When my soul fainted within me,
I remembered the Lord;
And my prayer went up to You,
Into Your holy temple.”
- Jonah 2:7

When Heartache Brings Blessings-part 2

About a year ago I was asked to teach a workshop at our Women's retreat.  My message included the story of Abraham and Isaac when Abraham is asked by God to place his child, Isaac, on the alter for a sacrifice to God.  If you aren't familiar with the story, as Abraham is dutifully following God's will and placing Isaac on the alter, a ram is presented in the bushes as a replacement for Isaac, saving Isaac's life.  If you haven't read the story I urge you too, you can find it in Genesis 22:1-19.  In the middle of giving my workshop I was deeply convicted and overwhelmed by this story.  As a parent I am to put my children on the alter, not literally, it means I am to give my children fully over to God's will.  My children do not belong to me, they don't belong to Chris, they belong to the Lord and He has been gracious enough to allow Chris and I to raise them here on this earth and our job is to surrender them to His will.

When I found out I was pregnant this time I felt that I should tell people from the beginning, and not wait the standard, socially appropriate 12 weeks (as I had in previous pregnancies).  I believe in life at conception, so I choose to celebrate life from the beginning and if that life is never lived outside the womb on this earth, it is still a life that can have an impact on this world and has a purpose.

The morning after the sonogram we met with our new doctor.  She was more optimistic than the night before and honestly I had a peace that can only come from God.  Chris and I went home the night before and we talked, we prayed, we asked others to pray, we told our kids they have twin brothers, we rejoiced.  Sure it was emotional, but  we celebrated Jonah's life, we celebrated the TWINS, because no matter what the outcome is we have twins.  We rejoiced in the lives God chose to bless us with.

Our doctor had talked with 1 of 3 specialist in the U.S. who had experience with Jonah's types of "issues" the night before and sent all the sonogram specs to him.  The best guess is that it was a blocked bladder, all other measurements were fine so it was reasonable to the medical team to hope that it would clear on it's own.  If it didn't there was hope that we could have in utero surgery that would clear it up or it could be something more serious all together.  There was lots of things that we were presented that we could have put our hope in, instead we choose to put our hope in God.  He is the giver and the taker of life.  The Bible tells us that our days are numbered, we could put all our hope and do everything in our human power to make Jonah ok, but it would be in vain if it wasn't in God's will.  The only logical thing for us to do was to put our hope in God and surrender our children to Him, to place them on the alter if you will and that is what we did.  It is God who writes their stories not me, not Chris, not the world, but God.

On December 3rd, we had a second developmental ultrasound and an appointment to meet with genetics.  We never made it to the genetics appointment.  During the ultrasound Isaac was looking wonderfully active, so active the tech couldn't get some measurements.  When we looked at Jonah there was no life in him, there was no blood flow to any part of his body and his heart had stopped.  Jonah was the only one who I had felt move (up to that point), I had felt him just two days before, but because it was still so early me feeling movement was sparse.  Jonah had 15 weeks in utero on this earth, he had a story, he had an impact even if it was just on us and those close to us.  God had a purpose for Jonah's short life and while I don't know what it is, I rest in the fact that I am not supposed to know.  Sure I could ask why, but God's answer to why wouldn't satisfy my mommy heart so instead I ask what next?  What is the next step in this pregnancy?  Only time and God will tell.

I am still pregnant, the twins were fraternal so Isaac is still alive and kicking and expected to be here sometime in May.  I have held onto the verse  "They who sow in tears shall reap in joy and singing" (Psalm 126:5 AMP).  The amazing blessing for me is that I am still pregnant, I will get to hold my baby boy, sure I would love to have held both of them but that wasn't in God's will and although it hurts, I am ok with that, because I know He knows best.  We told our children that Jonah was sick, and that God must have known that the doctors here couldn't take care of him and so he took Jonah to heaven where Jonah now has a perfect body.  (My son loves that, he talks about it and thinks that everyone is the "perfect age" in heaven.  In his opinion the perfect is the same age as his auntie 25.)   

Although I do not yet know what all the blessing will be from this situation I know they will come.  I know when Isaac is born I will have moments of sadness that Jonah isn't there; that when Isaac reaches certain developmental milestones I will be reminded of Jonah and miss him, but it will also bring me joy to be able to hold Isaac and watch him grown and to raise the 3 children, we have here, up in the ways of the Lord.  I pray that in sharing the journey it can bring healing for others as well.  I may never even see all the blessings, they maybe for other people who hear his story, I don't know, again only God knows and I can rest and find perfect peace in that. 

When Heartache Brings Blessings-part 1

As I look back over 2014 I am absolutely amazed at how God works and all the things He has done, not just in the physical but in my heart personally.  2014 brought marriages, new family members, memories, milestones, hardships and even death.  Although I am ready for 2014 to end I am so joyful for ALL that it brought me.  God has touched my heart in ways that I have never had Him touch my heart before.

I found out I was pregnant this fall.  We were super excited but super nervous, could we do this again?!?  I don't have easy pregnancies and although a doctor has never told me I can't or shouldn't have a third child I was given lots of reasons why we may want to stop at two.  Three years ago I was convinced I was done.  I had a boy and a girl and medically (in my mind only) it just didn't seem to be the right thing (I have this nasty habit of playing God).  But I couldn't shake the longing for another child.  I used to ask Chris if he felt that someone was missing from our family, to which he looked at me like I was crazy (which I might be slightly) and said no.  In my mind medically it just wasn't a good idea and in Chris's mind it wasn't a good idea.  However, I went to a Women's retreat and while there I felt that God was telling me that He is the Great Physician, no doctor knows my body as well as He does and if it is in His will for me to have another child, then I will.  I went home and Chris and I talked about it and that was really the end.  We didn't address it a whole lot more.  I prayed about it, a lot; Chris prayed about it some; I kept asking him if people were missing from our family and he kept looking at me like I was crazy.  This continued for a few years. 

Well 2014 brought news that we were going to have another baby.  We were so excited.  We had a sonogram at 8 weeks just to establish that there was a heartbeat and I jokingly said to Chris what if there is two in there.  I thought he was going to pass out.  The doctor saw just one heartbeat and we were on our way.  We had a developmental ultrasound at 12 weeks and it turned our world upside down.  There was two alright.  We were having twins, twin boys to be exact.  Amazing that at 12 weeks we were able to see their gender, and get measurements of their bodies.  I couldn't stop laughing and Chris couldn't believe it.  Our happiness was cut short when we started to look at Baby B, Jonah.  Jonah had a growth in his abdomen that at best guess was a blocked bladder.  The doctor wasn't too optimistic but also had no answers and no real idea what it was she was looking at.  We left her office with an appointment to see her bright and early the next morning to discuss all the reasons that this pregnancy is high risk and to develop a game plan.

Our boys.  Jonah (twin B) on the left and Isaac (twin A) on the right.

I walked out of the office and cried.  The emotions were all over the place.  It had been a particularly stressful day at work, our daughter got sick at school and had to be picked up early, our son had an accident and had to be picked up early.  We were not expecting an ultrasound, we thought we were having a consultation appointment for a surgery that I need during pregnancy.  Overall it was a day full of nothing but unexpected things.  But the coolest part about all the bad that happened that day was that God orchestrated it all.  Had all the "bad" things not have happened the day would have been devastating.  Because my son and daughter had to be picked up early we asked my sister to come over last minute to watch the children.  The original plan was for them to be picked up by their carpools.  The doctors were so late (and they did a totally different appointment than we thought), and then the ultrasound took so long because it was so complicated, that if the kids had not been home with my sister, Chris would have had to have left the doctor appointment before it even started and would have missed the ultrasound and miss all the news.  God knew where we all needed to be at the end of the day and He made sure we were there.

It amazes me how gracious He is, how He cares about the littlest details about my day that he uses the bad to create exactly what needed to be done.  I needed my husband at that ultrasound, I needed his shoulder to cry on as I walked out.  Chris needed to hear it all, he needed to be prepared for how to lead his family down this road.  And as I drove home, in between tears, I kept praising God because I know that my children are fearfully and wonderfully made, and no matter what the outcome is, He is still God and He knows best even if it hurts, He makes sure that everything is as it should be, and I can rest in that. 

Kinlee's Second Birthday

 To my Daughter on her second birthday:

I can not believe how fast the time has gone.  You joined our family two years ago and we have all been so blessed by your beautiful spirit.  So added so much life to mine, daddy and Ethan's life it is hard to believe you have only been here two years. 

You are a bright girl who loves her stuffed animals and baby dolls.  You take care of them with tender care and love them to pieces!  You have the wildest hair and love it when it is left to do it's own thing.  You adore your brother, "Bubbha" and think that he is the funniest person in the world.  And he adores you just the same. 

You love to talk and can say just about anything that you hear.  You speak in sentences, often although sometimes you like to try and fuss to get something instead.  :)   You are opinionated and don't think twice about letting people know if you are happy, or if you dislike something.  You have obsession with hats and you love to wear a jacket or sweatshirt with shorts.  You LOVE shoes and even enjoy wearing them with your pajamas.  You switch back and forth between being a daddy's girls and a mommy's girl, but ultimately you are very independent and love to do things on your own. 

You love the outdoors and will often refuse to eat lunch because you want to go play in the backyard.  You have a sensitive spirit about you and you cry when corrected, no matter how gentle. 

Mommy and daddy are so blessed by the gift that God gave us in you.  We promise yo watch over you and love you and will do our best to raise you in a way that is pleasing to God. 
Happy Birthday my sweet, angel girl!!!  We love you "To the moon and back!"

Mommy and daddy

Marriage Retreat

A couple weekends ago we had the opportunity to go on the marriage retreat with our church.  It was a wonderful time, away from our kids (whom we love dearly), learning more about each other and our marriage and fellowshiping with others from our church. 
I would encourage anyone who has the opportunity to go on a retreat of this type to go!  It is so healthy and refreshing to ones marriage. 

 Here are some pictures from the retreat weekend, up in Idyllwild. 

Life

Well...I am going to try my hand at this blogging thing again.  I had stopped for a while...a long while really.  Life had gotten to busy (still is I am sure), I felt that I needed to be more private about something occurring in my family's life, but really it was just a time issue.  Not that I have much more time, but I am going to give this a whirl! 

Life has been crazy, since we came back from England (I promise a post about England soon).  As we move into fall this is typically a busy time for us.  Lots of changes are going on at church.  We just added a third service on Sunday mornings.  We are getting ready to divide junior and senior high youth group up.  I am back to work...only 4 days this year.  After much prayer we felt that we needed to take the financial leap and cut my work year by 20%.  It has been about 2 months so far and I am loving this!  Chris started back teaching at PLNU, he is teaching two classes this semester.  He is stepping back from his personal graphic design business and believes that God is calling him into more ministry based jobs.  As crazy as life is, we both are very happy and at peace with all going on.  God is amazing!

The kids are getting huge.  Ethan is in pre-K four days a week.  ON Mondays he is home with me, doing chores around the house, doing homeschool activities and just having fun.  Kinlee is 17 months.  I can't believe how fast she is growing up.  She is saying single words and trying hard to repeat after everything you say.  She is a girl through but can hold her own around the boys.  She loves all things girly...shoes, make-up, clothes, shoes, dolls, soft blankets, more shoes.  The girl LOVES shoes!!

 I'll leave you with a few pictures of the fam.  It is time to go work with Ethan on some activities, mop the floor and do some laundry.  I love my Monday's off!!!