Words and feelings get trapped inside of my head. I want them out, but I know God has me sitting still in this place, in His presence, processing these feelings with me. He wants to heal my hurt, heal my heart, and although I want God to do that, I find myself struggling to let Him. Why do I hold onto it? I don't like it but I find myself stuffing all these feelings about my hurt away. If I can stuff it and pretend it away, and busy my hands and mind with other things, then I don't have to feel...but eventually the busy goes away and gets taken care of and then I am left in the quiet again. It is then I realize all those feelings are still there, just below the surface.
Healing hurts, it means I have to admit that everything that happened is real, that one of my sons died before I had the chance to see him or touch him. That my Isaac will be born a singleton, never having met his twin brother on this side of the womb. That Chris and I will not get to watch Jonah grow into a man of God. That Kinlee won't have a 3rd brother to mess with (we all know she is really in charge!). That Ethan won't be able to share his love of God and golf with Jonah.
It hurts to be vulnerable and allow the God of the universe to tear away the bandages that have held my heart together, and let Him touch and heal the wounds that lay there. I need to be open and vulnerable to others when they ask how I am and how I feel about giving birth so soon, instead of hiding my true feelings. If I truly trust that my God is the God of the universe and He is in control, I need to walk in faith that He knows the why of Jonah not being here and I need to rest in that and have faith that I will be ok, that we all will be okay.
Lord heal my heart, give me courage and strength to be vulnerable; be with us all as we prepare to welcome our precious Isaac into this world! Prepare my heart to feel both the intense joy of having Isaac and also the grief of Jonah's absence. Give us your peace Lord.
~Amen
3 comments:
I love you so much! I'm praying that God heals your pain. May your Isaac bring you laughter.
you are so amazing Amanda. being vulnerable is hard. being open about it is even harder. God has such a plan for your littles.... Jonah included. I understand your pain, having lost 3 precious babies, and I know God had a plan for that too. you're not alone. He is with you always. and Isaac is such a miracle child. I am so grateful you get to have him with you. we love you so much!
Amanda, you are a wonderful daughter of the King. He will carry you into this new era. Isaac will bring you joy to you and that wonderful family of yours.
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