I have been struggling with grief and forgiveness lately. For the last many months I thought I was just stuck in the grief process. After being in the word and praying, God has revealed to me that I am stuck at forgiveness.
I tend to want to shove my grief, it is part of my nature and I really have to fight it. Like I said I have been grieving for some time now and recently during a Sunday sermon I was reminded that grief is biblical, it is okay to grief. "Jesus wept" John 11:35; the shortest verse in the bible and yet it tells us so much. The emotion that Jesus was feeling as he grieved with his friends in the loss of Lazarus shows us that he was not just God walking here on earth, but he was both God and man. He felt the same emotions that we feel when we experience the loss of a loved one and he expressed it in an outward emotion.
Just as grieving is biblical so is moving on. As a psychologist I know the ramifications of being "stuck" in the grief process and itrarely turns out well. It can hinder ones life and the bible actually tells us that when Sarah died, Abraham came to mourn and weep for her. It then tells us that Abraham stood up. "So Sarah died inKirjath Arba in the land of Canaan, and Abraham came to mourn for Sarah and to weep for her. The Abraham stood up from before his dead..." Genesis 23:2-3 (half of 3). As hard as it may have been for Abraham to lose Sarah he "stood up" and had many more fruitful years. The words stood up really resonated with me. As I have looked back on the grief that I am dealing with I find that yes I have cried and been angry and then I have tried to pretend like all is the same and that nothing really changed. I have refused to put myself out there and really actually "stand up" and move forward with what God has planned for me. I find that I have tried to go on as if all was the same when in reality everything is changed.
The hurt, the sadness, the utter-confusion is still there and I don't know what will happen to it, but I do know that I need to move forward with the plans that God has for my life and although that person indeed influenced me for a time, it was only a chapter in the plan that God has for my life. My unwillingness to accept and move forward was really being hindered by a willingness to not forgive. I think for me this step is so key in my grief processes. The forgiveness in this case is so complex that sometimes myfeeble human brain can not understand it. But I know that in order to move forward I must learn to forgive and seek God's guidance in what that looks like. Exodus 14:14 says "The Lord will fight for you, and you shall keep your peace." In everything that has gone on in the last many months that is what I seek...peace. I will work on standing up, moving forward, and working to a place of forgiveness and peace, with God's strength.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
20 weeks
Actually I am 21 weeks as of Sunday, but I wanted to blog the halfway mark and I am just getting around to it. Ooops.
Well like I said 20 weeks, and we are halfway to getting to meet our little girl. We don't have names yet. We go back and forth. Well actually I suggest names and Christopher veto's them. One day she will have a name. I guess we have time.
So far things have been pretty uneventful, which is HUGE for us! I had the preventative cerclage put in when I was at 13 weeks and then was on strict bedrest for one week, then had 30% mobility the next week, then 60 % and then finally was back to 100%. So now I am back to work and life as normal.
I do have some contractions here and there, I have noticed that alot of it depends on how much sleep I get, so I have been trying to make sure I rest, take things slowly and go to bed at a reasonable hour. Although some nights no matter what I do I don't sleep good. But I am trying. And if I look like I am doing too much my sister and Chris put me back in my place. I have gained quite a bit of weight so far, mostly in the last couple weeks. It seems my belly just popped out overnight. It doesn't help that I am always hungry and could eat anything I see. Just like when I was pregnant with Ethan, I am lactose in tolerate this time. It is really difficult for me since I LOVE all things dairy. But my doctors have said I can take lactaid pills, so I will take those when I really must have some dairy.
I am starting to feel her move around. Chris still can't feel her yet, but I know it will be soon as her kicks are getting stronger and more frequent.
Ethan is super excited to have a sister. He still thinks we should name her Ethan. We have tried to explain why this is not an option but he doesn't fully grasp it. He loves to give her kisses and hugs and is always asking me to "open baby up," meaning show him my actual belly so he can talk directly to my belly button. We have had to tell him, on a couple different occasions that we don't do that in public. We are so excited to see him be a big brother, he will be great with her!
We feel so blessed that this pregnancy is going so much smoother. I must say though, I am still a bit nervous. Even though everything is looking good so far it wasn't until week 21 with Ethan that we had all the major complications. So I am nervous, but believing that God's hand is on us and our baby girl.
Well like I said 20 weeks, and we are halfway to getting to meet our little girl. We don't have names yet. We go back and forth. Well actually I suggest names and Christopher veto's them. One day she will have a name. I guess we have time.
So far things have been pretty uneventful, which is HUGE for us! I had the preventative cerclage put in when I was at 13 weeks and then was on strict bedrest for one week, then had 30% mobility the next week, then 60 % and then finally was back to 100%. So now I am back to work and life as normal.
I do have some contractions here and there, I have noticed that alot of it depends on how much sleep I get, so I have been trying to make sure I rest, take things slowly and go to bed at a reasonable hour. Although some nights no matter what I do I don't sleep good. But I am trying. And if I look like I am doing too much my sister and Chris put me back in my place. I have gained quite a bit of weight so far, mostly in the last couple weeks. It seems my belly just popped out overnight. It doesn't help that I am always hungry and could eat anything I see. Just like when I was pregnant with Ethan, I am lactose in tolerate this time. It is really difficult for me since I LOVE all things dairy. But my doctors have said I can take lactaid pills, so I will take those when I really must have some dairy.
I am starting to feel her move around. Chris still can't feel her yet, but I know it will be soon as her kicks are getting stronger and more frequent. Ethan is super excited to have a sister. He still thinks we should name her Ethan. We have tried to explain why this is not an option but he doesn't fully grasp it. He loves to give her kisses and hugs and is always asking me to "open baby up," meaning show him my actual belly so he can talk directly to my belly button. We have had to tell him, on a couple different occasions that we don't do that in public. We are so excited to see him be a big brother, he will be great with her!
We feel so blessed that this pregnancy is going so much smoother. I must say though, I am still a bit nervous. Even though everything is looking good so far it wasn't until week 21 with Ethan that we had all the major complications. So I am nervous, but believing that God's hand is on us and our baby girl.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Dinner Time
Honestly speaking I do not cook much. I wish I did, I used to cook more but really I find myself exhausted when I get home from work. The last thing I want to do is cook (read: dirty a kitchen) and then clean up the kitchen (plus I would rather bake than cook). I would rather spend time with my boys. Also our nights are often full. I recently started going to our women's bible study on Tuesday nights. A while back I had chosen to not attend the women's study; I felt that I worked full time and don't spend enough time with E as it is. But God has been urging me to go and so this school year I started going and I have been blessed by going. On Wednesday nights we have youth worship practice and then youth group and every other Friday we have the young/college age bible study we have been going to for a long time. I know those are all excuses but honestly lots of nights it just didn't feel like we had time for a home cooked meal. So often we chose convenience type meals, I try to make them as healthy as we can, but you can only make a convenience meal so healthy.
This has been something that has bothered me for sometime. Over the last two years I have tried different options one of which is those prep kitchens where you go and prepare a bunch of meals to take home and freeze. We did that once and I was over it. The recipes they used and had us make were bland tasting and it was just as expensive as eating out, actually it was slight more than eating out. Not the solution I wanted. Periodically, but not consistently, I have made weekly meal plans and gone on a big shopping trip. It works and it last about a week and then we fall back into old habits.
So this past weekend I sat down and made a meal plan. Yes I realize we have not followed through with this before, but I am hoping if I sit down and write it on the blog there will be some accountability and maybe even a bit of advice and some easy meal recipes that come from my very few blog readers. But back to this weekend, well Thursday really (remember I was just off work for two weeks) Chris and I sat down and made a meal plan for about a week and a half. I wrote out the grocery list to include all the ingredients we will need for all the meals. Friday we went to Costco and Sunday we went to the grocery store to get the remainder of the ingredients that I could not get at Costco (I do not like the grocery store, especially when pregnant; there is just too many conflicting smells). And Sunday night I set out to make some meals.
For dinner on Sunday we had fajitas and while making the fajitas, I also made tortilla soup that we will eat on Tuesday before I go to bible study. It was pretty to easy to make both those at the same time. I was excited. I also made a double batch of fajitas so we will have leftover fajitas on Wednesday before youth worship practice/youth group. I was pretty proud of myself, three meals in the time to make one! Then tonight we had Kielbasa (I'm part German and love some good sausage, not too healthy but better than a $5 pizza), broccoli and fettuchini. Thursday I will make pesto Chicken with a light dusting of mozzarella and Friday is Taco Casserole, aka. Spanish Delight, before our bible study.
Whew I think we will get through the whole week and I have a plan for next week too. It felt really good to take the time out of my break to sit down and organize my family's eating. It is something that always bugs me, but I just haven't felt like I have the time to devote to fixing it; but I think I am on a solid track to getting us to eat right and at home more! If any of you all have any easy recipes that would be conducive to making and freezing or frigerating for a couple days feel free to share. My goal is to make at least two or three meals on the weekend to get us through the busy week nights. I hope it works. I'll keep you posted.
This has been something that has bothered me for sometime. Over the last two years I have tried different options one of which is those prep kitchens where you go and prepare a bunch of meals to take home and freeze. We did that once and I was over it. The recipes they used and had us make were bland tasting and it was just as expensive as eating out, actually it was slight more than eating out. Not the solution I wanted. Periodically, but not consistently, I have made weekly meal plans and gone on a big shopping trip. It works and it last about a week and then we fall back into old habits.
So this past weekend I sat down and made a meal plan. Yes I realize we have not followed through with this before, but I am hoping if I sit down and write it on the blog there will be some accountability and maybe even a bit of advice and some easy meal recipes that come from my very few blog readers. But back to this weekend, well Thursday really (remember I was just off work for two weeks) Chris and I sat down and made a meal plan for about a week and a half. I wrote out the grocery list to include all the ingredients we will need for all the meals. Friday we went to Costco and Sunday we went to the grocery store to get the remainder of the ingredients that I could not get at Costco (I do not like the grocery store, especially when pregnant; there is just too many conflicting smells). And Sunday night I set out to make some meals.
For dinner on Sunday we had fajitas and while making the fajitas, I also made tortilla soup that we will eat on Tuesday before I go to bible study. It was pretty to easy to make both those at the same time. I was excited. I also made a double batch of fajitas so we will have leftover fajitas on Wednesday before youth worship practice/youth group. I was pretty proud of myself, three meals in the time to make one! Then tonight we had Kielbasa (I'm part German and love some good sausage, not too healthy but better than a $5 pizza), broccoli and fettuchini. Thursday I will make pesto Chicken with a light dusting of mozzarella and Friday is Taco Casserole, aka. Spanish Delight, before our bible study.
Whew I think we will get through the whole week and I have a plan for next week too. It felt really good to take the time out of my break to sit down and organize my family's eating. It is something that always bugs me, but I just haven't felt like I have the time to devote to fixing it; but I think I am on a solid track to getting us to eat right and at home more! If any of you all have any easy recipes that would be conducive to making and freezing or frigerating for a couple days feel free to share. My goal is to make at least two or three meals on the weekend to get us through the busy week nights. I hope it works. I'll keep you posted.
Friday, December 31, 2010
2010
In some ways I can't believe that 2010 is over, in other ways I can't believe it has taken this long to over. As I have been reflecting back, I think it is safe to say this has been the most difficult year of my/our lives. This has been a year of incredible highs and some of the lowest lows for Chris and I, in just about every aspect of our life, spiritually, emotionally, personally, financially, you name it. But it has also been the year I have so clearly seen God's hand in the trials. In what I consider to be the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with (sorry for the vagueness, but for the privacy of others it just isn't appropriate to divulge all info on this trial), I was amazed to see God's hand move in ways that I thought would never happen and frankly where not possible. But God continues to amazing me and show me that nothing is out of His reach and nothing is impossible for Him, which gives me continued hope for healing for others, and continued hope for this coming new year.
This has not been all valley's we have had some great things happen in our own life and are so looking forward to many things. One of which is the upcoming birth of our baby girl (more updates to come on that later). I am excited to see the wonderful things God will continue to do in 2011! Hope everyone has a great night.
This has not been all valley's we have had some great things happen in our own life and are so looking forward to many things. One of which is the upcoming birth of our baby girl (more updates to come on that later). I am excited to see the wonderful things God will continue to do in 2011! Hope everyone has a great night.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Knowledge or Ignorance
About two weeks ago I found myself wondering "Is ignorance bliss, or is knowing half the battle." Kind of a weird question I guess, but at that moment I was seriously contemplating that. I am about 15 weeks pregnant with our second child (since I have not blogged much lately, I guess that was my official announcement about that). When I was pregnant with Ethan we found out I had an "incompetent cervix." I had to have emergency surgery to keep from giving birth in the second trimester and then the 15 weeks of bedrest. The doctors told me the second time would be different. Yes the medical issue is still there but the surgery would be preventative, would take place early on and I would have minimal bedrest, hopefully only as a recovery to the surgery. At that time I thought knowing is half the battle; next time around this will be manageable.
Well I had the surgery about two weeks ago. I was shocked at how much pain I was in. I didn't remember the pain from the surgery before, I just remember the annoying bedrest. Chris gently reminded me that I was in the hospital for days following the first surgery and had an IV that nurses where pumping meds into. I was in a state of shock by all that was going on that I must have missed that piece where the nurses where pumping me full of pain killers. Ignorance is bliss!?!?
This time I came home hours after the surgery. I thought bedrest would be nothing, for crying out loud I was on it for 15 weeks last time, this time it was only for two weeks. As long as everything recovered fine. After a day or two I found myself annoyed at bedrest and wondering how on earth I could handle this for another week or more. Really, "Hello Amanda, 15 weeks last time, two this time." What a baby I was being. So I started to wonder, why did this seem more challenging for me? I knew what to expect. I think for me, in this situation, I did much better with the ignorance. When I did not know what was going on, and the doctors were telling me if I got up my baby could be born right then and there, I just did what they said. Not that it wasn't hard (I really struggled emotionally with all of it) , but I was just in a state of shock with all this new info. This time I know the risk, I know that everything that can be done preventatively was and is being done and I know the surgery was done WAY before it became a problem so staying in bed was hard!
I still think that the majority of the time knowing is half the battle, but in this case, my type A personality took over yet again and had it all planned out, and it turned out to be harder than I expected. When will I learn that God is in control and I need to give it all to him and find joy in the moment and not expect things to go my way. As much as I love to know all, some times I do better when I am ignorant.
Does that make sense? Does anyone else feel that way?
Well I had the surgery about two weeks ago. I was shocked at how much pain I was in. I didn't remember the pain from the surgery before, I just remember the annoying bedrest. Chris gently reminded me that I was in the hospital for days following the first surgery and had an IV that nurses where pumping meds into. I was in a state of shock by all that was going on that I must have missed that piece where the nurses where pumping me full of pain killers. Ignorance is bliss!?!?
This time I came home hours after the surgery. I thought bedrest would be nothing, for crying out loud I was on it for 15 weeks last time, this time it was only for two weeks. As long as everything recovered fine. After a day or two I found myself annoyed at bedrest and wondering how on earth I could handle this for another week or more. Really, "Hello Amanda, 15 weeks last time, two this time." What a baby I was being. So I started to wonder, why did this seem more challenging for me? I knew what to expect. I think for me, in this situation, I did much better with the ignorance. When I did not know what was going on, and the doctors were telling me if I got up my baby could be born right then and there, I just did what they said. Not that it wasn't hard (I really struggled emotionally with all of it) , but I was just in a state of shock with all this new info. This time I know the risk, I know that everything that can be done preventatively was and is being done and I know the surgery was done WAY before it became a problem so staying in bed was hard!
I still think that the majority of the time knowing is half the battle, but in this case, my type A personality took over yet again and had it all planned out, and it turned out to be harder than I expected. When will I learn that God is in control and I need to give it all to him and find joy in the moment and not expect things to go my way. As much as I love to know all, some times I do better when I am ignorant.
Does that make sense? Does anyone else feel that way?
Friday, October 29, 2010
Buzz Lightyear
I am usually not the one to get into the Halloween spirit (besides carving pumpkins). I just don't get into the whole dressing up thing. But this year I seem to be having more fun with it. Our church has decided to do a harvest festival tomorrow and we are taking Ethan and then also working a booth with our youth group kids.
Anyway back to my point...I think it is insane how much people will spend on costumes for this holiday. So a month or so ago, while at the mall, Ethan and made out way into the Disney store where they were having a sale on PJ's (for the record I also think PJ's are overpriced), so I let Ethan pick out one that he would like to dress up like. With a little creativity from dad add in, we have a cheap, and I think, cute halloween costume.
So here is what we came up with:
Daddy made and designed Buzz Lightyear wings- $4.50
A two and half year old pretending to be Buzz Lightyear-Priceless
Anyway back to my point...I think it is insane how much people will spend on costumes for this holiday. So a month or so ago, while at the mall, Ethan and made out way into the Disney store where they were having a sale on PJ's (for the record I also think PJ's are overpriced), so I let Ethan pick out one that he would like to dress up like. With a little creativity from dad add in, we have a cheap, and I think, cute halloween costume.
So here is what we came up with:
Buzz Lightyear PJ's-$10
Daddy made and designed Buzz Lightyear wings- $4.50
A two and half year old pretending to be Buzz Lightyear-Priceless
Saturday, September 11, 2010
New House E's Room
I mentioned a while back that we moved. About the time we moved it seemed like the sky started falling and our lives got turned upside down. I have been wanting to post photos of our new house (mainly for my records, but some people have actually ask to see them. shocking!). I did a post a while back showing our backyard and grass we put in. Well today I am going to show you some photos of Ethan's room. Eventually I will show photos of the whole house, but like I said things got turned upside down so although we have been living here a while it only just now getting FULLY decorated.
Ethan loves his sports themed bedding. He also has Lightning McQueen sheets that Gamma made for him. He LOVES those!
Daddy screen printed this poster a long time ago. When we moved we found it (funny how that happens) and thought it would look cool in Ethan's room.
Ethan's room with all his toys in their home. This is not always the case. This is just minutes after we finished cleaning his room.
N-Tee Sami and Mommy painted these mini canvases for Ethan's room of all things Ethan: a baseball, robot, football, car and a bug. He loves them all.
My Ethan looking up at the aforementioned paintings (I had just finished hanging them). Ethan we love you so much baby!!!
**As we continue to finish the rest of the house I will post more tours. We are getting close, we spent all day today cleaning out the remaining boxes in the garage and hanging things on the walls throughout the house.
Ethan loves his sports themed bedding. He also has Lightning McQueen sheets that Gamma made for him. He LOVES those!
Daddy screen printed this poster a long time ago. When we moved we found it (funny how that happens) and thought it would look cool in Ethan's room.
Ethan's room with all his toys in their home. This is not always the case. This is just minutes after we finished cleaning his room.
N-Tee Sami and Mommy painted these mini canvases for Ethan's room of all things Ethan: a baseball, robot, football, car and a bug. He loves them all.
My Ethan looking up at the aforementioned paintings (I had just finished hanging them). Ethan we love you so much baby!!!**As we continue to finish the rest of the house I will post more tours. We are getting close, we spent all day today cleaning out the remaining boxes in the garage and hanging things on the walls throughout the house.
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