Psalm 91

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High

Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;

My God, in Him I will trust.”

Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler

And from the perilous pestilence.

He shall cover you with His feathers,

And under His wings you shall take refuge;

His truth shall be your shield and buckler.

You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,

Nor of the arrow that flies by day,

Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,

Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.

A thousand may fall at your side,

And ten thousand at your right hand;

But it shall not come near you.

Only with your eyes shall you look,

And see the reward of the wicked.

Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge,

Even the Most High, your dwelling place,

No evil shall befall you,

Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;

For He shall give His angels charge over you,

To keep you in all your ways.

In their hands they shall bear you up,

Lest you dash your foot against a stone.

You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,

The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.

“Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;

I will set him on high, because he has known My name.

He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble;

I will deliver him and honor him.

With long life I will satisfy him,

And show him My salvation.”

How do you live in a place of hope, when everything seems to fail?  How do you live in a place of faith instead of fear when life as you know it seems to be falling apart?  Psalm 91 shows us who our God really is.  He is a God who never sleeps. He is always there ready to fight for us.  Nothing ever takes Him by surprise, even if it takes us by surprise.  

Psalm 91 gives me a sense of peace in midst of trials.  We have protection in God, through all the chaos.   He will protect me...and He is going to protect you.   Psalm 91 reminds me that I am to dwell in the secret place of the Almighty God.    Dwell is a verb that means to live in or at a specified place.  Not a place I visit when I feel down or scared or I’m feeling out of control.  It means to live there, get comfortable there, kick your shoes off.  I live at my house…I visit other places.  I visit work, I visit my kids school, I visit the doctor, but I live at my house.  It’s the place I am the most comfortable, most vulnerable.  It has the people I am closest to.  The people closest to me get to see all the pieces of me, the good, the bad and the ugly; because that is home.   It is a conscious choice we have to make; to spend quality time. 

As everything in our world has changed overnight, I see so much good.  Sure that is bad and there is no doubt that our world is going through a worldwide traumatic event, but I see God in it.  I see people slowing down and reprioritizing their lives.  I see people looking to God for their hope.  I see families spending time together, using technology to build community instead of as a means for escape.  People are remembering that dwelling with God doesn't mean sitting and reading your bible 24/7.  It means being in communion with Him.  Listening to worship music, fellowshipping with your immediate family, reading your Bible to your kids, remembering all the blessing that God has given you and being a good steward of them.  

Today as I felt trapped in my house, while I mopped my kitchen floor from the multiple splits from the toddler, and the messes from the big kids, I put on some worship music and talked to God, remembering that I need to dwell in Him.  As I mopped and listened, I looked up and peaked out of the garage door to find my little toddler laying on the garage floor (the germaphobe in me would usually freak out) with his little leappad learning his numbers.  He was sitting close to his daddy, who was cleaning out the garage (a chore we have put off for far too long).  My overly social, complainer about being in quarantine, toddler was at peace as he laid there because he was dwelling with his daddy just by being in the garage with him.  God showed me that is what I need to be doing.  We don't have to be super spiritual, it's as simple of being close to our Heavenly Father and keeping the perspective that because we dwell in Him, He will overcome the world!  He will give us peace as we dwell in His presence.

Phillippians 4:6-7, tell us, “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”  And 1 Peter 5:7, says to, “Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.”

Dwell in the secret place of the Most High; He cares for you!  As bad and as hard as being in quarantine has been, there is so much good that is coming out of it.  It's ok to grieve the loss of our old "Normal," but don't dwell there.  Dwell in Him and I hope that when this chapter of our lives is over that we take all the good and the things we learned from this to create a new and improved normal.  Don't forget what God taught you in the dark, when you get back into the light.  

We are stronger than this Covid-19 and the quarantine that is coming along with it.  It is beautiful to see neighbors helping one another, and people writing letters, and people taking their God given gifts and sharing them with others over the internet to help one another.  Look around, people are offering free online workout routines, art lessons, youth groups meeting via youtube and Zoom, teachers driving through neighborhoods with mega phones telling students how they miss them and encouraging them, story readings, the number of online churches is mind blowing! Our world is finding a way to still connect and have community even when we can't meet in person.  With God we are stronger than we ever thought possible!

What is your hope in?  Right now, today, What is your hope in?  We have hope!  Switch your perspective form one of fear and disappointment to one of opportunity and challenge.  Take this time and make it meaningful for Christ!   

God promises us to never leave nor forsake us.  God's voice closes the Psalm reminding us that because we love him, He will deliver us, He knows us, He will answer us, He is with us in the midst of trouble, and will deliver us.  

We have hope!  This doesn't have to be a list of things we have lost and are grieving.  Choose today to dwell in His presence and show the world the hope we have in Him.  

He Answers Prayers

The Summer always flies by. It is, by far, my favorite time of year. Not because I like the season (not my favorite season at all), but because summer is the time I get to do the things I love the most.  I get to be home with my kids, loving on them, playing games with them, doing summer things.  I get to be a wife who isn't distracted by work, who can support her husband in ministry more.  I get to sew and craft and clean and organize.  I love summer!!  But this summer, well this summer was extra special!  We got to meet our little Isaac.  After a long and crazy pregnancy, he has arrived.

Isaac Glen arrived on May 20th.  He weighed 8 pounds and was 20 inches long.  He is a happy baby and we have enjoyed getting to spend our summer with him getting to know who he is.

So here is Isaac. 

 He such a wonderful little addition to our family.  He is happy and cuddly and loves his mommy! 

 So many prayers were answered the day we gave birth to him.  I had feared that I would struggle to feel the extreme joy of giving birth to Isaac and instead be overwhelmed with sadness that his twin wasn't here with him. 

 The moment I looked up and saw the doctor holding him for me to see, I was overcome with such joy and a peace that I know came from God.  I shed a couple tears but really they were tears of joy, me and Isaac made it, we had a crazy weird road together but he was here and in my arms.  My arms were full.

 I felt joy that I got to have one of my babies to hold when so many women don't get to hold even one of theirs. The miracle of birth is truly that, a miracle!

 He had every little piece...ten fingers...ten toes...he was Fearfully and Wonderfully made.

 The feeling that someone was missing from our family will never go away for me, I will always miss Jonah.  But the gift of Isaac has given our family peace.  The kids still pray for him and ask about him but the tears are gone.  They have joy for Jonah and were he is, knowing one day they will see him.

 God answered another prayer for me that day.  I had prayed, since the day Jonah passed, that when it came time to give birth that I would be able to see Jonah.  My doctor told me the likelihood was small.  But God heard my cry, God gave me some closure that day.  Jonah wasn't just some piece of tissue, or a set of black wave lines on a sonogram photo, he was a person, he was small, but there was no denying he was a baby. 

 The day of Isaac's birth will always be remembered (for me anyway) as an emotional one, but a good one, one were God showed me that he does answer prayer, that He does love me, that He loves my husband and children and that in the midst of our pain, HE can give us unspeakable joy and a peace that surpasses all understanding. 

Welcome to our family Isaac, welcome to the world.  I can't wait to see the journey your life will take and the plans God has for you! You are loved more than you know!

My Hearts Prayer

Words and feelings get trapped inside of my head.  I want them out, but I know God has me sitting still in this place, in His presence, processing these feelings with me.  He wants to heal my hurt, heal my heart, and although I want God to do that, I find myself struggling to let Him.  Why do I hold onto it?  I don't like it but I find myself stuffing all these feelings about my hurt away.  If I can stuff it and pretend it away, and busy my hands and mind with other things, then I don't have to feel...but eventually the busy goes away and gets taken care of and then I am left in the quiet again.  It is then I realize all those feelings are still there, just below the surface.

Healing hurts, it means I have to admit that everything that happened is real, that one of my sons died before I had the chance to see him or touch him.  That my Isaac will be born a singleton, never having met his twin brother on this side of the womb.  That Chris and I will not get to watch Jonah grow into a man of God.  That Kinlee won't have a 3rd brother to mess with (we all know she is really in charge!).  That Ethan won't be able to share his love of God and golf with Jonah. 

It hurts to be vulnerable and allow the God of the universe to tear away the bandages that have held my heart together, and let Him touch and heal the wounds that lay there.  I need to be open and vulnerable to others when they ask how I am and how I feel about giving birth so soon, instead of hiding my true feelings.  If I truly trust that my God is the God of the universe and He is in control, I need to walk in faith that He knows the why of Jonah not being here and I need to rest in that and have faith that I will be ok, that we all will be okay. 

Lord heal my heart, give me courage and strength to be vulnerable; be with us all as we prepare to welcome our precious Isaac into this world!  Prepare my heart to feel both the intense joy of having Isaac and also the grief of Jonah's absence.  Give us your peace Lord.  
~Amen

My Spunky Pumpkin

My Beautiful Kinlee,

I can't believe you are four.  It seems like just yesterday when you joined our little family.  From the beginning you had a mind of your own and marched to the beat of your own drummer.  The doctors were determined that day to induced me because of complications, but you had your own plan.  Once up to the delivery floor you decided you were ready to come and they weren't going to make you come.  I ended up not having to be induce, you made your own way and I should have known then that you would have that same strong personality that I so admire in your brother. 

You have brought so much joy to me and daddy's life and your older brother adores you, even though you like to pick on him in your quiet subtle ways.  You and Ethan are so close and I love to watch you both play together and listen to your "serious" conversations.  From asking if dad is a Christian to telling Ethan that you had to get me a toy for mother's day since I don't have any.  :)  I love listening to your reasoning and how your little brain processes. 

You are such a jokester and are always "pretending."  You have an amazing zest for life that inspires me.  You remind me to laugh and find the joy in moments that are hard.  You experience emotions so intensely and really do love that about you.  You remind me to slow down, because you are by far the slowest eater I have ever met...unless it is a sweet or perhaps a donut (which you can down in no time flat). You come by the sweet tooth honestly and genetically.  Sorry about that one.  :)

I love your passion and care for others.  How everyday you pray and thank Jesus for your brothers and for Jonah and ask Jesus to watch over him in Heaven.  The pain you feel when others are hurt or have to go to the hospital.  That care will growing into something beautiful in your future. 

I can't wait to see what year 4 holds for you.  It's a big year in your life...you are going from being a little sister to a big sister, and your last year in preschool.  I can't wait to see you step into these new roles and blossom!

You have amazing strength my precious girl, I pray you never lose your strength or the joy or the silliness of childhood!  I can't not wait to see what you will do with your life.  God has truly blessed me by letting me be your mommy!  Happy birthday my girl!  I love you to the moon and back!

Love, 
Mommy

My thoughts on Ryan White and the CA SB 277

Today is Ryan White Day.  Not many people will know that name, but I do.  Most people who recognize the name will associate his name with HIV/AIDS.  He was the little boy in the 80's who contracted HIV.  He became the face of HIV/AIDS activism and he was just a boy.  He died when he was 18, but not before being expelled from school because of his disease and fighting to get back into school and eventually having to move school districts were he could go.  Him and his family endured much personal attack by the ignorance of people at that time.  People were scared and didn't understand what HIV/AIDS was.  

What isn't as commonly known is that Ryan had hemophilia.  He contracted HIV, from the tainted blood supply in the 80's.  The blood supply back then was tainted with both hepatitis and HIV/AIDS.  The majority of the hemophilia population contracted one of these nasty and deadly diseases while taking medication that was supposed to stop their bleeding due to their hemophilia and hopefully prolong their life.  Instead, for so many, it was their end.  Ryan and his mother fought hard to educate people.  He died at the age of 18, his mom is still involved in activism. 

As I sit here today and I watch the battle go back and forth about between pro vaccinators and the anti-vaccinators, I am saddened.  So much hate is being spewed on either side and really the bottom line is that each parent should be able to make that decision for their family without government input.  I know I have friends who are strong on both sides of that line, and I know some will disagree with me, but after seeing and having intimate knowledge of how HIV/AIDS was passed through the blood supply and how it was common knowledge by the CDC, and the WHO and medications were continued to be given that contained tainted blood to innocent people, I can not stand by and support government enforced vaccinations.  We need education, we need transparency from our pharmaceutical companies, from our government, we need to have the freedom to choose what medications we put in our body, if any, we need to have an understand and respect for one another and not attack each other for the decisions we make for our family.  My advice to new parents is to do what is best for their family, their whole family.  Every one wants to give their opinion and sometimes you need to pray and make the decision you feel is best considering all the factors that influence your family. 

On Ryan White Day, I look at my own son with hemophilia and I cannot imagine the pain Ryan's mother must have felt when he was diagnosed with HIV and then passed away years later.  She did what she thought was best, what the doctors told her was best, what the pharmaceutical companies said was best, all while the knowledge that the blood supply was tainted was being kept from the public.  I don't mean to scare anyone or be one of those paranoid people but I do want to say that as a parent I know my children better than the government.  I owe it to my children to educate myself about their medications and make a well informed decision that meets their needs. It really doesn't matter what side of the vaccine debate I stand on, the real issue we don't need big government making these decisions for us. 

Wise Beyond His 7 Years

Ethan,

I can't believe you are seven today.  It seems like just yesterday we were watching the superbowl and had you arrive just as the Giants won the game.  You were so little, early, full of silly faces and an inquisitive spirit.  We have been through a lot of the seven years of your life and you have taken everything in stride.  I think back to the parents you were born to and I don't even know who they are anymore.  That's a good thing, they were workaholics who only cared about their careers.  ;)  They grew up a lot, you taught them a lot and we are forever grateful for the lessons you have taught us. 

You have taught me more about who Jesus is, His sacrificial love and focus on others instead of Himself.  You have taught me to rely on Him and not on myself or my own strength.  You have also asked me some of the toughest theological questions that even my college theology professors never brought up.  You amazing everyday!! 

You have so much strength, naming you Ethan (literally means strong) was the most fitting thing we could have done.  You have proven time and time again that you are strong and you can handle the things thrown at you in life. 

You have the most sensitive heart of anyone I have ever known.  You are so quick to give a hug or encouragement when others are down, seem to be able to sense when others are upset or down, even when the adults around you can't see it.  I love how much you love your siblings, and how mush you talk about your brother Jonah and wonder what he looks like.  I love you have faith that one day you will have a perfected body and will get to meet your brother. 

I wonder what God has planned for you in the future.  I pray everyday for you that you remain strong and true to who He made you to be.  You are going to do amazing things kid!  Keep asking questions, keep encouraging others, keep that energetic spirit and never let anyone crush who you are!

Love,
     Your Mommy

A father's heart

Dear Jonah,

Today is a hard day, it’s been the toughest day I’ve ever experienced, it’s a day I wish I never had to face. Today I had to say goodbye to you, my son, for now. Although you only had a short time here in your mother’s womb, there’s still so much I know about you and so much to celebrate about your life.
Even though I never got to see you, I know you are beautiful, because you are created by God, and I can’t wait for the day when I will see your face.
Even though I never heard your voice, I will know it when I do, and we will have long conversations together.
Even Though I never held you, I know there will be a day that we will enjoy a long embrace.
Even though you aren’t with us now, you will forever be part of our family.
Jonah, I want you to know that you are greatly loved. Your mother and I love you so much, I can’t even express it. Your brother and sister love you too, they have been praying for you every night. Your brother’s favorite Bible story has always been Jonah, and we knew that was your name even before you were here. There are so many other family and friends who love you also that they’re too numerous to list. I also want you to know that your twin brother is doing well, and we promise to take good care of him until we are all united again.
My heart aches that I can’t be with you right now, and I’m angry that death took you sooner than I expected. But I’m comforted by our Lord, and I have the Hope of Glory because of our savior Jesus Christ, who conquered death! Death is no longer the end for us, and it overwhelms me with joy to know that you are experiencing His victory and glory right now—which we will one day enjoy together.

Jonah, I love you so much and I can’t wait to be with you again.
- Love Dad.

“When my soul fainted within me,
I remembered the Lord;
And my prayer went up to You,
Into Your holy temple.”
- Jonah 2:7

When Heartache Brings Blessings-part 2

About a year ago I was asked to teach a workshop at our Women's retreat.  My message included the story of Abraham and Isaac when Abraham is asked by God to place his child, Isaac, on the alter for a sacrifice to God.  If you aren't familiar with the story, as Abraham is dutifully following God's will and placing Isaac on the alter, a ram is presented in the bushes as a replacement for Isaac, saving Isaac's life.  If you haven't read the story I urge you too, you can find it in Genesis 22:1-19.  In the middle of giving my workshop I was deeply convicted and overwhelmed by this story.  As a parent I am to put my children on the alter, not literally, it means I am to give my children fully over to God's will.  My children do not belong to me, they don't belong to Chris, they belong to the Lord and He has been gracious enough to allow Chris and I to raise them here on this earth and our job is to surrender them to His will.

When I found out I was pregnant this time I felt that I should tell people from the beginning, and not wait the standard, socially appropriate 12 weeks (as I had in previous pregnancies).  I believe in life at conception, so I choose to celebrate life from the beginning and if that life is never lived outside the womb on this earth, it is still a life that can have an impact on this world and has a purpose.

The morning after the sonogram we met with our new doctor.  She was more optimistic than the night before and honestly I had a peace that can only come from God.  Chris and I went home the night before and we talked, we prayed, we asked others to pray, we told our kids they have twin brothers, we rejoiced.  Sure it was emotional, but  we celebrated Jonah's life, we celebrated the TWINS, because no matter what the outcome is we have twins.  We rejoiced in the lives God chose to bless us with.

Our doctor had talked with 1 of 3 specialist in the U.S. who had experience with Jonah's types of "issues" the night before and sent all the sonogram specs to him.  The best guess is that it was a blocked bladder, all other measurements were fine so it was reasonable to the medical team to hope that it would clear on it's own.  If it didn't there was hope that we could have in utero surgery that would clear it up or it could be something more serious all together.  There was lots of things that we were presented that we could have put our hope in, instead we choose to put our hope in God.  He is the giver and the taker of life.  The Bible tells us that our days are numbered, we could put all our hope and do everything in our human power to make Jonah ok, but it would be in vain if it wasn't in God's will.  The only logical thing for us to do was to put our hope in God and surrender our children to Him, to place them on the alter if you will and that is what we did.  It is God who writes their stories not me, not Chris, not the world, but God.

On December 3rd, we had a second developmental ultrasound and an appointment to meet with genetics.  We never made it to the genetics appointment.  During the ultrasound Isaac was looking wonderfully active, so active the tech couldn't get some measurements.  When we looked at Jonah there was no life in him, there was no blood flow to any part of his body and his heart had stopped.  Jonah was the only one who I had felt move (up to that point), I had felt him just two days before, but because it was still so early me feeling movement was sparse.  Jonah had 15 weeks in utero on this earth, he had a story, he had an impact even if it was just on us and those close to us.  God had a purpose for Jonah's short life and while I don't know what it is, I rest in the fact that I am not supposed to know.  Sure I could ask why, but God's answer to why wouldn't satisfy my mommy heart so instead I ask what next?  What is the next step in this pregnancy?  Only time and God will tell.

I am still pregnant, the twins were fraternal so Isaac is still alive and kicking and expected to be here sometime in May.  I have held onto the verse  "They who sow in tears shall reap in joy and singing" (Psalm 126:5 AMP).  The amazing blessing for me is that I am still pregnant, I will get to hold my baby boy, sure I would love to have held both of them but that wasn't in God's will and although it hurts, I am ok with that, because I know He knows best.  We told our children that Jonah was sick, and that God must have known that the doctors here couldn't take care of him and so he took Jonah to heaven where Jonah now has a perfect body.  (My son loves that, he talks about it and thinks that everyone is the "perfect age" in heaven.  In his opinion the perfect is the same age as his auntie 25.)   

Although I do not yet know what all the blessing will be from this situation I know they will come.  I know when Isaac is born I will have moments of sadness that Jonah isn't there; that when Isaac reaches certain developmental milestones I will be reminded of Jonah and miss him, but it will also bring me joy to be able to hold Isaac and watch him grown and to raise the 3 children, we have here, up in the ways of the Lord.  I pray that in sharing the journey it can bring healing for others as well.  I may never even see all the blessings, they maybe for other people who hear his story, I don't know, again only God knows and I can rest and find perfect peace in that. 

When Heartache Brings Blessings-part 1

As I look back over 2014 I am absolutely amazed at how God works and all the things He has done, not just in the physical but in my heart personally.  2014 brought marriages, new family members, memories, milestones, hardships and even death.  Although I am ready for 2014 to end I am so joyful for ALL that it brought me.  God has touched my heart in ways that I have never had Him touch my heart before.

I found out I was pregnant this fall.  We were super excited but super nervous, could we do this again?!?  I don't have easy pregnancies and although a doctor has never told me I can't or shouldn't have a third child I was given lots of reasons why we may want to stop at two.  Three years ago I was convinced I was done.  I had a boy and a girl and medically (in my mind only) it just didn't seem to be the right thing (I have this nasty habit of playing God).  But I couldn't shake the longing for another child.  I used to ask Chris if he felt that someone was missing from our family, to which he looked at me like I was crazy (which I might be slightly) and said no.  In my mind medically it just wasn't a good idea and in Chris's mind it wasn't a good idea.  However, I went to a Women's retreat and while there I felt that God was telling me that He is the Great Physician, no doctor knows my body as well as He does and if it is in His will for me to have another child, then I will.  I went home and Chris and I talked about it and that was really the end.  We didn't address it a whole lot more.  I prayed about it, a lot; Chris prayed about it some; I kept asking him if people were missing from our family and he kept looking at me like I was crazy.  This continued for a few years. 

Well 2014 brought news that we were going to have another baby.  We were so excited.  We had a sonogram at 8 weeks just to establish that there was a heartbeat and I jokingly said to Chris what if there is two in there.  I thought he was going to pass out.  The doctor saw just one heartbeat and we were on our way.  We had a developmental ultrasound at 12 weeks and it turned our world upside down.  There was two alright.  We were having twins, twin boys to be exact.  Amazing that at 12 weeks we were able to see their gender, and get measurements of their bodies.  I couldn't stop laughing and Chris couldn't believe it.  Our happiness was cut short when we started to look at Baby B, Jonah.  Jonah had a growth in his abdomen that at best guess was a blocked bladder.  The doctor wasn't too optimistic but also had no answers and no real idea what it was she was looking at.  We left her office with an appointment to see her bright and early the next morning to discuss all the reasons that this pregnancy is high risk and to develop a game plan.

Our boys.  Jonah (twin B) on the left and Isaac (twin A) on the right.

I walked out of the office and cried.  The emotions were all over the place.  It had been a particularly stressful day at work, our daughter got sick at school and had to be picked up early, our son had an accident and had to be picked up early.  We were not expecting an ultrasound, we thought we were having a consultation appointment for a surgery that I need during pregnancy.  Overall it was a day full of nothing but unexpected things.  But the coolest part about all the bad that happened that day was that God orchestrated it all.  Had all the "bad" things not have happened the day would have been devastating.  Because my son and daughter had to be picked up early we asked my sister to come over last minute to watch the children.  The original plan was for them to be picked up by their carpools.  The doctors were so late (and they did a totally different appointment than we thought), and then the ultrasound took so long because it was so complicated, that if the kids had not been home with my sister, Chris would have had to have left the doctor appointment before it even started and would have missed the ultrasound and miss all the news.  God knew where we all needed to be at the end of the day and He made sure we were there.

It amazes me how gracious He is, how He cares about the littlest details about my day that he uses the bad to create exactly what needed to be done.  I needed my husband at that ultrasound, I needed his shoulder to cry on as I walked out.  Chris needed to hear it all, he needed to be prepared for how to lead his family down this road.  And as I drove home, in between tears, I kept praising God because I know that my children are fearfully and wonderfully made, and no matter what the outcome is, He is still God and He knows best even if it hurts, He makes sure that everything is as it should be, and I can rest in that. 

Kinlee's Second Birthday

 To my Daughter on her second birthday:

I can not believe how fast the time has gone.  You joined our family two years ago and we have all been so blessed by your beautiful spirit.  So added so much life to mine, daddy and Ethan's life it is hard to believe you have only been here two years. 

You are a bright girl who loves her stuffed animals and baby dolls.  You take care of them with tender care and love them to pieces!  You have the wildest hair and love it when it is left to do it's own thing.  You adore your brother, "Bubbha" and think that he is the funniest person in the world.  And he adores you just the same. 

You love to talk and can say just about anything that you hear.  You speak in sentences, often although sometimes you like to try and fuss to get something instead.  :)   You are opinionated and don't think twice about letting people know if you are happy, or if you dislike something.  You have obsession with hats and you love to wear a jacket or sweatshirt with shorts.  You LOVE shoes and even enjoy wearing them with your pajamas.  You switch back and forth between being a daddy's girls and a mommy's girl, but ultimately you are very independent and love to do things on your own. 

You love the outdoors and will often refuse to eat lunch because you want to go play in the backyard.  You have a sensitive spirit about you and you cry when corrected, no matter how gentle. 

Mommy and daddy are so blessed by the gift that God gave us in you.  We promise yo watch over you and love you and will do our best to raise you in a way that is pleasing to God. 
Happy Birthday my sweet, angel girl!!!  We love you "To the moon and back!"

Mommy and daddy

Marriage Retreat

A couple weekends ago we had the opportunity to go on the marriage retreat with our church.  It was a wonderful time, away from our kids (whom we love dearly), learning more about each other and our marriage and fellowshiping with others from our church. 
I would encourage anyone who has the opportunity to go on a retreat of this type to go!  It is so healthy and refreshing to ones marriage. 

 Here are some pictures from the retreat weekend, up in Idyllwild. 

Life

Well...I am going to try my hand at this blogging thing again.  I had stopped for a while...a long while really.  Life had gotten to busy (still is I am sure), I felt that I needed to be more private about something occurring in my family's life, but really it was just a time issue.  Not that I have much more time, but I am going to give this a whirl! 

Life has been crazy, since we came back from England (I promise a post about England soon).  As we move into fall this is typically a busy time for us.  Lots of changes are going on at church.  We just added a third service on Sunday mornings.  We are getting ready to divide junior and senior high youth group up.  I am back to work...only 4 days this year.  After much prayer we felt that we needed to take the financial leap and cut my work year by 20%.  It has been about 2 months so far and I am loving this!  Chris started back teaching at PLNU, he is teaching two classes this semester.  He is stepping back from his personal graphic design business and believes that God is calling him into more ministry based jobs.  As crazy as life is, we both are very happy and at peace with all going on.  God is amazing!

The kids are getting huge.  Ethan is in pre-K four days a week.  ON Mondays he is home with me, doing chores around the house, doing homeschool activities and just having fun.  Kinlee is 17 months.  I can't believe how fast she is growing up.  She is saying single words and trying hard to repeat after everything you say.  She is a girl through but can hold her own around the boys.  She loves all things girly...shoes, make-up, clothes, shoes, dolls, soft blankets, more shoes.  The girl LOVES shoes!!

 I'll leave you with a few pictures of the fam.  It is time to go work with Ethan on some activities, mop the floor and do some laundry.  I love my Monday's off!!! 

Private

It has been a long time since I have written here.  I miss it.  It has been a wonderful outlet for me and the process of writing here has brought me joy, healing, silliness and venting.  :) 
But my quietness here has been for a reason.  I haven't completely comfortable putting thing that I thought out there lately, but I do have stuff to say.  So after much thought and prayer, I am going to be making my blog private.  I don't know if it will be private forever but I know that this is something I need to do. 
I am sure I don't have many readers left, but if I do and you are interested in continuing to read what I may post feel free to let me know.  Give me your email and I will add you to the list of subscribers. 
Hope everyone has a great night!

Compromise

Compromise is a word that has been on my mind lately.  Everywhere I turn I seem to be hearing people say it, I am talking about it with others, and hearing others talk about it.  At first it sounds like a good thing.  You and another person are find a mutual place to come to an agreement.  What's wrong with that?  Lot's actually. 
When I researched it Webster's Dictionary had three basic definitions of Compromise. 

Compromise:
A.  settlement of differences by arbitration or by consent reached by mutual concessions   
B.  something intermediate between or blending qualities of two different things
C.  a concession to something derogatory or prejudicial

Compromise is something that the world loves.  If you really pay attention you hear lots about it.  One of the greatest places that I think you hear about compromise is marriage.  You hear it all the time...in fact I might have even said it before:  Marriage is about compromise.  I have to disagree.  I feel that that phrase can cause some harmful repercussions.  In all honesty the phrase is probably supposed to be about innocent compromises like what movie to get from the red box (if you have kids you know it's all about redbox...forget the movie theater), and what to eat for dinner.  Unfortunately, I think phrase, the word compromise has cause more harm than good.  And people are compromising things that they should be standing firm on. 


Recently my heart has been aching for the young girls I know or work with who have been in dating relationships that were less than healthy.  In the after math, when the heart break sinks in and they are wondering how they got down that road with someone they know has different morals or values each one has told me they felt that marriage was about compromise so they felt that in dating when looking at a potential spouse some compromises must be made, that's normal, that's what marriage is about afterall.  

It's just the lie that the enemy wants you to believe.  The lie is that life is about compromises, a little compromise here and there never hurt anyone.  Right?  Wrong!  That's how all sin, all mistakes, start.  It starts with a tiny compromise that leads to another compromise and a bigger one and so on and so forth until one day you look up and realize you can't see where you started and you can't see the truth and you don't know where you are going.  

So my plea is this, especially to young girls, don't compromise your morals, your values, your ethics.  That isn't what marriage and relationships are about.  Stand firm in the TRUTH of God.  Look at what He wants for you in a relationship and don't compromise that for anything.   You are beautiful and God has the perfect one for you...and he will meet all your expectations, without compromise; but most importantly he will meet God's expectations for you. 

 

Broken:Rebuilt

This past weekend we had an amazing winter youth retreat.  This is the third retreat that our kids have done that wasn't just Chris and I taking them on a trip to Lake Arrowhead for the weekend with a little bible teaching and some snowboarding thrown in.   We went to a Christian camp up in Big Bear with Calvary Chapel Joshua Springs; they rock by the way!  The whole thing was awesome.
The theme was Broken: Rebuild and like the theme suggest lots of break down was done and lots of rebuilding with Jesus Christ as a foundation was done.

Chris and I have begun to notice a theme though with being in ministry, specifically with preaching/teaching:  there is some sort of unspoken rule that you live out your sermon before you give it.  Chris had the opportunity to speak to the campers the first night and his topic for the retreat was broken!  And broken we had been.

The week leading up to camp was pretty insane and intense in our house.  Chris and I were not particularly nice to one another and our kids were pretty cranky.  Work was more stressful than normal but Friday was just insane and after being awake for about 30 minutes new that the enemy didn't want this to happen!  Chris and I got into a fight (about something stupid).  Auntie took Ethan to school, I stormed out (angrily I might add) to work and Chris went about his day trying to dot all the "i's" and cross all the "t's" for camp.  Chris had to, unexpectedly, go pick up a kid whose ride bailed at the last minute (which he was happy to do).  So Chris was getting ready to go and get him around noon.  I was leaving work at noon to go home and pack my things then was going to pick up my kids and go trade them with a friend for her high school daughter who was come with us to the retreat.  15 minutes from home Chris calls to ask if I had left work yet and I could tell in his voice something bad had happened.  Turns out Ethan fell from a stool at school and school reported that his tooth went through his lip.  Well let's just say for Ethan that is an automatic trip to the ER.

Chris was already pretty beat up by the enemy at that point (but other stuff that happened that day) and immediately thought I wouldn't be able to come to the retreat at all, which would have made it the fourth one I had to miss, in a row.  I had a feeling that the enemy wasn't done with us so when Chris told me about Ethan I was eerily calm, I was expecting something.  I went to pick him up from school.  He was disappointed to see me as he knew my presence at school meant he was on his way to the hospital.  We stopped at home to get his medication said goodbye to dad, who left to go pick up the youth kid and head to church to meet the bus and the rest of the kids.  We had decided that I would take Ethan to the ER and we would take the afternoon one step at a time in regards of me attending the retreat.  We prayed before we all ran out of the house in our separate directions.  God gave us all a calm and Ethan and I continued on to the ER.

The ER trip was fantastic.  About 15 minutes before the bus pulled out the parking lot I was able to let them know that Ethan was fine.  He didn't actually puncture his lip but he probably just bit his lip really hard on both sides when he fell.  So since there was no puncture he didn't need stitches just one shot of meds and we were going to be out the door.  Since Ethan was much better than we all anticipated we decided that I would finish up at the ER and one of our youth workers would wait and we would drive up together when everything was finished.

Her and I arrived at the camp at about 10pm.  It had taken the kids over 5 hours (should have taken 3) to get there as the traffic was the worst anyone had seen in a long time.  Chris arrived 15 minutes before he was to go on and speak.  But as he arrived he found out that the other church's bus had broken down with 50 junior highers on it and they had no way to get them all up there.  So he talked to our bus driver (whose services for us were donated by the owner of the company) into going down and getting those kids, twice; it took two trips to get them all.  The last group arrived 10 minutes before I did.  Chris did his sermon and shared with the kids how broken he felt at that moment right then and there!  But God does amazing things and by His grace everything worked out.  Ethan was fine, I got to go to the retreat, our bus made it on time for Chris to give his sermon.

Oh and did I tell you that the guest speaker had to have an emergency surgery to remove infected tonsils and wasn't supposed to be recovered enough to speak, he did (and I will eventually share more about him and his ministry).  And the guest worship leader/guitar player had his forearm bitten and mauled by a dog a week before the trip; he played and was amazing!  The other couple that came with us to lead the kids had a death of close family member just two days before; they came and were blessed and were awesome with the kids (we couldn't have done it without them)!  The head youth pastor of the other church found out he had a medical condition and needed to have surgery immediately following the retreat (today), but he was there and happy and gave a great sermon too.

 It was amazing, despite the brokenness God was there and moved so mightily in the kids and adults lives.  Numerous re-dedications, some new believers in Christ, and some walls broken down from some kids who have had to go through way too much in their short life.  Not to mention lots of friendships and bonding.  God won this one.  Nice try enemy, our foundation is build on GOD!

2011

2011 is coming to a quick close.  I am so grateful for all the wonderful things God has done for our family this past year.  Our family was blessed with the addition of our little Kinlee Joy, who truly is a joy to us all with her sunny disposition.  Chris had an opportunity to join the faculty at our college alma mater, Point Loma Nazarene University, as an adjuct professor.  It was hard work but he enjoyed teaching his first semester and is going back for a second this coming semester.  2011 also saw healing at our church body and some much growth has occurred.  We went from having one full time person on staff (the pastor) to having the pastor and five part time staff members, one of which is Chris as the youth pastor.  We have been so blessed by the youth group and this process and can't wait to see what God has in store for this coming year. 
2011 saw our Ethan grow from a toddler to a little boy.  He started a new preschool and loves it.  Unfortunately we have also seen a lot of hospital trips for Ethan this year, but the doctors are still feel treating him on an as need basis is the best way for his body and we gratefully agree.  We are so fortunate to have a wonderful medical team to work with for Ethan. 

I have no idea what 2012 will hold, but I do know that God is awesome and will have some amazing things for each and everyone of you out there.  I am excited as I was asked to join a small bible study, bible discipleship for this coming year.  I have been praying that something like this would come along and I am so excited to see God reveals to me this coming year. 

I pray for you all in the coming year; 2012 is going to be a blessed year! 

Bethadeezoo

After many years of people telling my mom to start selling her crafty creations and sew beauties, she has finally bitten the bullet and opened an online store.  My mom is very talented when it comes to sewing and it comes very easy to her.  She has been to make all sorts of amazing things for my kids and my niece.  A few weeks before we launched the website we went to a handmade craft fair and sold some goods.  It was a blast.

My mom's store is Bethadee Zoo.  When I was a little girl I used to call elephants Bethadee's, no I didn't just call them that I adamantly insisted that they were not elephants and in fact they were bethadee's.   And so that is were the name Bethadee Zoo came from.

Right now the website is just starting out and has a few little things, mainly toddler backpacks (which my munchkins have and they are perfect for those toddler years), a quilt for a little boy, and some totes/purses for mom of course.  In the near future she is planning to have other items.  So you will just have to keep checking it out to see.  Go check out her store envy site!

 Cute purse!

 I Spy boy's Quilt

Ethan and his backpack from his Gamma.  It goes with us everywhere. 

We would love it if you went and check out her website!  Thanks!!

God is good in ALL things-a testimony

I have been in a very reflective mood lately; maybe it is the thanksgiving holiday, maybe it is all the changes that have been going on around here or maybe it is me just getting older, either way I have been reflecting and have been overwhelmed by God's love, grace, faithfulness and sovereignty. 

I am sure that the journey to now started a very, very long time ago, but I want to look back about seven years ago (yes I know it is a long journey and if you don't want to read it all that's fine, I really just want to get the story/testimony down and out of my head so as to not be forgotten).  Chris and I were just married.  At that time we did not have a regular church to attend.  We just sort of bounced from one to another trying them out and never really found one that felt right.  After some coaching from some friends of ours, we traveled from Point Loma to east county San Diego to attend their church; about a 30 minute drive.   We liked the church, a lot!  Over the next couple months, we went there off and on but would only commit to "visiting." It was too far to make this our home church.  Within a month we ended up buying a condo in east county, not in our original plan (and frankly seemed a bit sudden).  The church became our home church.

We kept from getting too involved though. We had planned to leave the San Diego area (we figured it was very expensive to live here and would not be able to afford it) as soon as I graduated from grad school.  The time came, I graduated and despite applying all over the place the only offers that came in were here in San Diego.  The job I got was at a top district, I thought the interview was horrendous and cried at my performance once I got in my car, and yet somehow I got the job.  The same day I accepted the job Chris was offered a job at a big ad agency, he had not been looking for a new job, they contacted him.  We figured God had something in mind so we stayed.

The youth pastor at our small church left; at the time there really wasn't any kids.  Eventually a few boys started coming.  Chris and I talked about working with youth, but felt that at that time it was unrealistic and we could not devote the attention it deserved.  At the time Chris was working about 60-80 hours a week.  Another guy stepped up in the ministry spot.  I got pregnant, was put on bedrest.  The youth group grew.  The guy asked Chris to help him out here and there and to plan the winter retreat.  I had Ethan, we praised God for keeping us here, close to a fabulous children's hospital that has specialists there for his exact diagnosis (there isn't alot of them).  Ethan was only a few weeks old when we went on the first winter retreat with the youth.  Eventually Chris' role in the youth group got bigger and bigger.  When Ethan was 6 months old my babysitter (can I call you that Silla? you were and are so much more) moved.  Chris' Ad job took him away from home a lot, he and rarely saw Ethan and me, and he had to work on Sunday's quite a bit.  After much discussion and prayer we felt that it was time Chris quit his job and opened his own business from home.  So Chris became a stay at home dad and worked on building his own design business and got more involved in church.

Eventually Chris became the head of the youth group.  He went to the youth pastors conference and came home and told me that he felt God was giving him this calling, it wasn't just him helping out anymore.  I felt the same but feared saying it out loud.  I knew too many pastors kids who had become prodigal children, I didn't think I could handle that, in my mind we were just helping out and that was all I wanted to commit to.  The pastor and his wife invited me (and Chris encouraged me) to go to the pastor's wives conference.  I resisted for a bit, but after praying I took the time off work to go.  I was humbled.  Lady after lady got up and spoke about their prodigal children or the tragedies their families faced in ministry (the overall theme was that God is good in ALL things!).  I heard about these kids who died tragically, or got wrapped up in drugs and alcohol, all the things that I was afraid of.  I prayed, I cried and in the end knew that I had to admit that God is good in all things and that God was calling us to ministry.  I came home and we talked about it and we continued to work with our youth kids waiting for specific direction from God.

A tragedy hit our Church family and rocked Chris and I to our core about 6 months after that.  Chris and I had an honest conversation about getting out of ministry.  In my human mind I didn't think God could redeem the situation.  So many people were hurt and broken it would be easier to walk away and forget that it all ever happened.  But in my spirit I felt comfort in the crisis.  I can't explain it, I knew that some how some way good would come from it, God would be glorified and we needed to press on.  It was a time of great emotional conflict. 

It has been a year and a half since the tragedy.  In that time we were in a holding pattern waiting on God and what He would bring.  It was a time to be still and listen and know that He is God.  I can tell you God has indeed been glorified.  The negative things that everyone thought would happening as a result didn't occur.  The church is stronger today than it ever has been and is growing.  It is different than it had been but God has been glorified in ways that were unimaginable. 

About 6 months ago, after lots of prayer and counsel we felt that God was us...to more ministry.  We weren't sure what that meant at the time, and still don't totally know.  We just know we are open vessels for Christ.  Two weeks ago our church added staff members to it (prior to now there has only been one staff person, the pastor), Chris was added to the staff on a part time basis.  It has been awesome to see where the Lord has taken us in these last seven years and how God's hand was in it all.  We don't know what the future holds, we are looking to God for guidance and waiting for Him to direct the rest of our path.  Who knows, maybe one day Chris will be in full time ministry with his family serving by his side to God's glory.  I am truly humbled by the things God has done for my family and I can honestly say that God is good in ALL things.  I have seen it!

This week

Wow this has been insane week.  I can't believe all the things that have happened in the last 6-7 days. 
Here it is in a  nutshell:
1. Traded in the Jeep for a Mini-Van.  Got a killer deal on a Honda
2. Had Kinlee's dedication
3. attended two church services on Sunday and Chris taught youth group
4. Hosted both sides of the family for Kinlee's dedication lunch (those who know me well, know that this is draining for me...I am not a big group kind of person; very out of my comfort zone)
5. Changed banks and also got a different car loan for the van and cut our payments by 100 bucks.
6. Ethan's leg "randomly" started hurting and eventually he lost all mobility resulting in a 24 hour stay at Children's with a joint bleed in the knee.  24 hour meds for the next 3 days.  Trying to keep an active three year old still
7. wrote a psych report at 2 am (after leaving hospital)
8. attended an IEP meeting via phone (for the psych report written at 2am)
9. Chris taught 2 classes
10. Chris had first staff meeting at Calvary Chapel as the youth pastor (that's right I said staff!)
11. Kinlee got her first tooth and the second is just below the surface
12. Drove (40 minutes away) the new car loan check to the dealer to pay off the original loan
13. Worked three days this week (took at day of when E was in hospital and Friday is a holiday)
14. attempted to clean the house (not totally done yet)
15. Made gifts for a baby shower


I am very tired and so is Chris.  We are having trouble processing all the stuff.  Lots of awesomeness and then some pretty bad lows!  But man oh man I wouldn't trade this week for anything!  God is sovereign everything that happened this week, the good and the bad, are for His glory.  We praise Him for this week!

And eventually I might get in to blog about a few of these specific things.

Oh yea and Kinlee had her 6 month photos.  Thank you to Auntie Sam for taking her photos.  Love them

from the eyes of a three year old

Tonight when I was getting ready to feed Kinlee, Ethan asked if he could take some photos with my camera.  He loves to take photos.  This is a photo stream of what he took tonight.  10 minutes in our house from the eyes of a three and a half year old.

Please excuse our messy house.  :)

 

 Kinlee's favorite "toy"

 My feet

 Ethan's hand

 Our nook (Silla- that's the tub with the scrapbook items from our Christmas album, hahaha)

 Wow our table is a mess

  Dad's office

 Door in daddy's office

 daddy's office from another angle

 office chair

 our wood floor

 my desk

 Ethan's foot (he thought this was funny)

Such a cutie patootie, my big boy is.  His photos did show me how much I need to clean though.  I really need more hours in my day!  What did you do tonight?