About a month ago I had an opportunity to go to a pastor's wives retreat with my pastor's wife. I was excited and gladly accepted the invitation, however I did not feel like I exactly fit the definition of a pastor's wife. For those who don't know, Chris and I been leading the youth group at our church for a while now along with another couple. We have had this attitude, of gratitude to be able to be working with these great per-teens and teens, but we just thought of this as something that fell into our lap; we were not really recognizing a calling on our life.
Life is a great journey and there are things that seem as if we control and make them happen, and other times there are thing that it seems just fell into our lap. The reality is, at least in my opinion, that God is always in control and nothing just happens for not, or just because. While at the retreat I had a lot of opportunities to examine my heart, my family, the roles we have been playing in each other lives and in others. I came to the conclusion that I have, we have, been in denial about the calling God has placed on our lives. I have always had this picture in my mind of what a pastor and a pastor's wife looked like, what they did, how they carried themselves and I do not fit the mold. They don't get frustrated with their husband and children, raise their voice when they are upset, they always know the right answer to every question, they have the whole bible memorized...you get the idea, the basic stereotypical picture, they are perfect. I am not worthy, at times I feel I am just not worthy of God's love, I am severely flawed, but I am striving to be who God wants me to be.
As I look back over my life's journey in the last 5 years, I see that God has had a strong hand on my life, and used the good, the bad and the ugly for his glory and to bring me to this place where I am now. Those events that I thought were just circumstantial, or just happened with no meaning where in fact used by God to shape who I am today. I am not perfect, I still struggle to have daily devotionals, struggle to give it all to God, but I am striving and trying to answer the calling he has placed on our families life. We firmly feel God has called our family to be in ministry in some way, and at this point in our life it is in ministry with the youth group. At a time in our life, when Chris and I were really searching for and needing the support of a church body, we were brought to our current church (thanks Silla and Jacob). We have made a commitment to follow God and to actively seek his will for our life everyday and I am so grateful for the blessings he has given us and excited that we are open to his calling. And I...I am a continual work in progress trying to become who God wants me to be and I hope as a mother I can convey that to my child.